Typical drama queen... it's not that bad, but that phrase is in my head due to a beautiful arrangement of that old Paul Simon song by my friend Jack, the interim director of our community choir...
I am feeling a little dark. Last week I was very excited about my new work schedule in the studio. I'm not a morning person but I realized I would get more work done if I came in in the morning. Besides, our adolescent puppy gets me around 7 anyway, so why not? I pull myself together, and after a couple of cups of coffee me and Bela (the dog) are off to the decrepit 60's dentist's office that is my studio. Last week I was high on how much more time I was getting in here. This week, the feeling has retreated to "same old, same old".
And I'm on the downhill slope from a high. We had our big choir concert on Saturday, and the group show at a local gallery closed yesterday and the participants had a nice dinner at one of my favorite higher end restaurants. So of course today I'm bummed. And it's 1130 and I wish I was eating lunch. There is a piece of two day old anchovy pizza trilling its siren song from my fridge, a 20 minute walk away. Again, typical! I knew the slump was coming, but it doesn't make it hurt much less. What I can do it remind myself (one minute at a time) that it will pass.
And I had the most incredible rush of grudges and resentments as I was setting out my paints. I'm guessing they tend to flood into the "now what" vacuum in my brain. So, in the face of hating the entire world, I had to dredge up my gratitudes, for the second time today. They came a lot slower than they had when I said my 12-step prayers a few hours before.
A ray of hope has come as I see that my recent goals have been realized and I may be on the verge of achieving one that I had only hesitantly dared hope for. So I need some fresh ones. That is cool.
Sometimes walking the walk takes you through rough terrain. But for me it all comes back to the food. If I can't put the food down, I'm crippled. I was an artist with a block that had even come back to haunt me last year, and I had to really work my recovery to not binge after a really bad episode a year and a month ago. And the recommittment got me back into the studio, better than ever before. And that was one thing that I didn't figure on, one of the gifts that I couldn't predict, but it figures that the unmanagability of my life extends way beyond the food.
Ok, back to work. Cheers. Just watch out if you see me and the dog trotting toward you about 1 pm --- I've got a date with them anchovies!
