The holidays were not very good for my food.
Cooked too much, ate too much. Actually, they weren't horrible, perhaps I'm just more aware of how weird my eating gets when given the slightest opportunity. It wasn't until the morning of the 26th when I was eating cake and pan rolls for breakfast with a chaser of jellybeans that I said to myself, "ok, this is nuts."
The book Alcoholics Anonymous calls the disease of alcoholism "cunning, baffling and powerful" , and I think it applies just as well to eating disorders, which in my case is binge eating. In this case, I think my disease uses the lamest most hackneyed excuses to get me to eat, like:
I'll have just one, and stop. (Since when have you been able to do that?)
I have to taste it to see if it needs more...something. (But why do you have to taste it 13 times?)
They'll be upset if I don't have one. (Will they even notice, and if they do, what does that say about them?)
It's not what I usually eat but they haven't got what I usually eat... (Heaven forbid you die of starvation before the next meal)
18.12.08
Showing up
Some days, like Woody Allen said (I think) 80% of success is just showing up. So, I'm here. I'm tired because I stayed up too late finishing off a pair of socks I was knitting, after staying late at the pub with some of my choirwhore pals. Ah, only days ago I was staying up too late finishing off a box of chocolates. Amazing the difference a few days of working the program can make: I forget how desperate I was, how I was lost in the grip of getting, eating, and getting more food. As can I forget, when I'm in the food, what it was like to be well.
Actually, that's not quite true. It's been said that being in OA really ruins a good binge, and they're right. When I have a binge, I keep seeing how crappy it really is, and after a day or two, really crave returning to sanity, so I get my ass to a meeting, or call someone, to get me out of the spiral. The real trick is not getting into that spiral. That's why I'm here. I'm really seeing these days how not dealing with my emotions leads me straight back into the food.
In one of the ironies of life, I have to go now to deliver 5 boxes of food and over two hundred dollars in cash that we collected for the local food bank at our choir friends and family event. That's the thing about food, it's not like alcohol. Unlike a recovering alcoholic whose mantra is No Matter What, Don't Drink, I don't have that option with food, that would be anorexic. Food is a basic part of life, so I need to learn how to deal with that part of living.
Bummer, dude. But it is what it is. I just have to keep believing that there is a point for my existence to give me strength to keep going.
Actually, that's not quite true. It's been said that being in OA really ruins a good binge, and they're right. When I have a binge, I keep seeing how crappy it really is, and after a day or two, really crave returning to sanity, so I get my ass to a meeting, or call someone, to get me out of the spiral. The real trick is not getting into that spiral. That's why I'm here. I'm really seeing these days how not dealing with my emotions leads me straight back into the food.
In one of the ironies of life, I have to go now to deliver 5 boxes of food and over two hundred dollars in cash that we collected for the local food bank at our choir friends and family event. That's the thing about food, it's not like alcohol. Unlike a recovering alcoholic whose mantra is No Matter What, Don't Drink, I don't have that option with food, that would be anorexic. Food is a basic part of life, so I need to learn how to deal with that part of living.
Bummer, dude. But it is what it is. I just have to keep believing that there is a point for my existence to give me strength to keep going.
16.12.08
Today's Gratitudes
I know it sounds pollyanna, but it does help me feel better. So here goes, 20 of the suckers, done in pure stream of consciousness mode:
- Fuzz
- warm blankets
- sunshine
- functioning car
- pumpkin color walls
- comfy kitchen chairs
- good lunch with creative friend
- my running group that gets me out even when cold
- my oa group that helps me pick up and go on
- skating buddy
- dinner for tonight already cooked
- good friend back from Mexico
- her cleaning lady
- a home mainly paid for
- my stained glass supplies turning up
- tolerant friends and family
- still hangin on
- a good therapist I've had now for over 5 years (a record)
- crazy cats
- a great neighbour and BF and her hubby and kid who keep her sane even if she doesn't think so...
Insidious Oblivion
Ok, it's painfully obvious that I will do many things to avoid writing about my feelings. This morning, for example, I've spent an hour on the computer tinkering with settings, browsing, reading and replying to e-mail and facebook posts, in short, anything but actually doing the kind of writing that will keep me away from the food. I was brought up short when, on the way back to the table from the loo I had a sudden urge to shave a sliver off of last night's tourtiere.
Purely for research purposes mind you, as I want to make some as christmas gifts, and had purchased a pricey boutique bakery version to study their technique (which besides the addition of a few nice spices seems to boil down to butter, butter everywhere...) Never mind the fact I had had plenty of opportunity to sample it as we had nice size slices for dinner last night. But maybe it would reveal some more secrets cold.... nope. No secrets, just guilt. But that's my disease, coming up with the most shameless hackneyed excuse for eating and then when I follow through on it, it's right there offering a heapin' helpin' o' shame.
But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It wasn't a binge, it was a sliver. A small slip. I've got to avoid being so black and white in my thinking as in my food. Moderation. Gentleness. Tolerance. For myself and others. So... onward.
I'm feeling holiday pressure. In laws coming over on The Big Day. Eek eek EEEEEK. The last time that happened, which was jeez, over a decade ago, I panicked and cooked enough for at least 12 when there were actually only 5 of us. So this year, scaling down. I've even lucked into having my friend Carole's cleaning lady coming to clean two days before. But the house is a half painted, half renoed mess, but jeez it's so much nicer than it was. I'm paralysed trying to figure out what I should attack next, the crappy drywall in the bathroom, filling nail holes in the kitchen, trying to smooth out the kitchen ceiling... paint the stairs to cover the bare plywood, paint the front foyer and closet, the bathroom, the kitchen???? Aughhhhhhh! I went into a complete spin last week over this, went to bed, covered my head, and ate a ton. A bad binge. I'm just so lucky I had promised my buddy M a drive to the OA meeting that morning. It got me out of it.
So let's look at priorities:
Purely for research purposes mind you, as I want to make some as christmas gifts, and had purchased a pricey boutique bakery version to study their technique (which besides the addition of a few nice spices seems to boil down to butter, butter everywhere...) Never mind the fact I had had plenty of opportunity to sample it as we had nice size slices for dinner last night. But maybe it would reveal some more secrets cold.... nope. No secrets, just guilt. But that's my disease, coming up with the most shameless hackneyed excuse for eating and then when I follow through on it, it's right there offering a heapin' helpin' o' shame.
But I'm not going to beat myself up over it. It wasn't a binge, it was a sliver. A small slip. I've got to avoid being so black and white in my thinking as in my food. Moderation. Gentleness. Tolerance. For myself and others. So... onward.
I'm feeling holiday pressure. In laws coming over on The Big Day. Eek eek EEEEEK. The last time that happened, which was jeez, over a decade ago, I panicked and cooked enough for at least 12 when there were actually only 5 of us. So this year, scaling down. I've even lucked into having my friend Carole's cleaning lady coming to clean two days before. But the house is a half painted, half renoed mess, but jeez it's so much nicer than it was. I'm paralysed trying to figure out what I should attack next, the crappy drywall in the bathroom, filling nail holes in the kitchen, trying to smooth out the kitchen ceiling... paint the stairs to cover the bare plywood, paint the front foyer and closet, the bathroom, the kitchen???? Aughhhhhhh! I went into a complete spin last week over this, went to bed, covered my head, and ate a ton. A bad binge. I'm just so lucky I had promised my buddy M a drive to the OA meeting that morning. It got me out of it.
So let's look at priorities:
- Has to be being abstinent. Work my programme.
- The house needs to be reasonably clean. Yay cleaning lady!
- Work on my physical fitness this week, including running group, skating tomorrow and a trip to the gym on Friday.
- I'd like to paint in the kitchen, maybe get the cupboards and ceiling painted for once. The rest can follow later
- Put a tree up. No design questions, just put every freakin' ornament we own on the poor thing until it threatens to fall over.
- Make some tourtiere to give friends as gifts.
- Make a sensible Christmas meal, not the feast to end all feasts.
- Un-stress. Enjoy the day. Cook the damn turkey the day before.
15.12.08
An Alien Amongst You
One of the things one of my OA mentors has suggested is to reread twice daily pages 30 & 31 of the book Alcoholics Anonymous (known in our rooms simply as the "Big Book", a reference to its large bible-like size when originally published over 80 years ago). In my book, I've crossed out the references to alcohol and substituted words referring to food and compulsive overeating. Basically, the purpose of the passage is to make us realize that for us compulsive eaters, for whatever reason, be it nature or nurture or both (after years of puzzling, searching and asking professionals and getting conflicting answers I finally realize it may not really matter what the root cause is) we are somehow made differently from other people and it makes us react to food in a dysfunctional manner. I've begun to form a disease model around this tendency.
I thought I had grasped that. I thought my problem was I felt so hopeless I thought I might as well eat. But, and I've just made this connection, my original problem this last fall was complacency, as after 3+ months of a good fall where I had been doing the morning routine and life was going ok, I stopped the routine, and fell into a trap of my own construction. Or, to put it in a less self-judgmental manner, I fell into a trap of the disease's construction. Someone I quite respect who even so, half the time drives me nuts once said that her disease's most dangerous symptom is it makes her forget that she has this disease.
The forgetting makes me stop doing the things that keep me sane. I guess my disease model is of a mental disease with physical symptoms --- the compulsive bingeing.
Here's a bit of that passage as adapted for my purposes (my changed bits in italics):
Yup, I recognize the demoralization part. Maybe, just maybe, this hopelessness and worthlessness I feel hanging on to me, like a Dickensian wraith, is a disease symptom itself. I have to put that aside and believe the others that value me... I'm going to make a list to make myself remember that:
Fuzz
my studio mate who's invited me out for lunch today
people who invite me to sing with them
BF who wants us to spend xmas dinner with them
Fuzz's folks who don't understand us but want us to have dinner with them
Mary
friends in OA
other friends
ok ok, I'm worthwhile, I get it... ah, that I really believed it. Perhaps this requires the "act as if" stuff they talk about in the rooms, that if I pretend I do enough I will actually start believing it. OK ok, for today, I will act as if my life has a point.
I thought I had grasped that. I thought my problem was I felt so hopeless I thought I might as well eat. But, and I've just made this connection, my original problem this last fall was complacency, as after 3+ months of a good fall where I had been doing the morning routine and life was going ok, I stopped the routine, and fell into a trap of my own construction. Or, to put it in a less self-judgmental manner, I fell into a trap of the disease's construction. Someone I quite respect who even so, half the time drives me nuts once said that her disease's most dangerous symptom is it makes her forget that she has this disease.
The forgetting makes me stop doing the things that keep me sane. I guess my disease model is of a mental disease with physical symptoms --- the compulsive bingeing.
Here's a bit of that passage as adapted for my purposes (my changed bits in italics):
"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real food addicts. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from others. Therefore, it is not surprising that our struggles with food
have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could eat like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy moderate eating is the great obsession of every abnormal eater. The persistance of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were compulsive overeaters. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We compulsive overeaters are men and women who have lost the ability to control our eating. We know that no real food addict ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals --- usually brief ---- were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a single soul that compulsive eaters of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, not better.
We are like those who have lost their legs; they never grow good ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make compulsive eaters of our kind like other people. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with eating disorders agree there is no such thing as making a normal eater out of a compulsive eater. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.
Despite all we can say, many who have eating disorders are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self-deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non-addicted. If anyone who is showing ability to control his eating can do the right-about-face and eat like the normal person, our hats are off to them. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to eat like other people!
Yup, I recognize the demoralization part. Maybe, just maybe, this hopelessness and worthlessness I feel hanging on to me, like a Dickensian wraith, is a disease symptom itself. I have to put that aside and believe the others that value me... I'm going to make a list to make myself remember that:
Fuzz
my studio mate who's invited me out for lunch today
people who invite me to sing with them
BF who wants us to spend xmas dinner with them
Fuzz's folks who don't understand us but want us to have dinner with them
Mary
friends in OA
other friends
ok ok, I'm worthwhile, I get it... ah, that I really believed it. Perhaps this requires the "act as if" stuff they talk about in the rooms, that if I pretend I do enough I will actually start believing it. OK ok, for today, I will act as if my life has a point.
Coming Clean: REALLY Struggling with the Food
I'm having troubles with the food. Big surprise, I'm a compulsive overeater. It just seemed to come to a head in the last couple of weeks. This was after nearly 90 days of sanity after attending a retreat in the fall where I latched on to a morning routine to get my feelings on paper. I was feeling so good, I stopped the routine. Possibly, I fell into complacency, subconsicously believing, "well, I'm fine now...."
So I slipped. And slipped hard, with 4 no-shit episodes of binge eating over the last month, precipitated by a persistant virus/cold that really made my emotions do a nose dive. Life seemed pointless some days. As of today, I'm in my 3rd day "clean". It doesn't feel particularly hard right now, but it can turn on a dime from sane to "fuck it, I'm shit, there is no hope, and I'm going to what I want to do, which is eat". One night I was in physical pain, I had stuffed so much food down my throat. Thankfully I did not feel compelled to throw up, because I feel that bulimia is another eating disorder even more serious than bingeing.
It always starts with the emotions for me. I don't think that the base problem is food in itself. The food, bad as it is, is "merely" a symptom. That's a pretty bad symptom. So the feelings must feel pretty big. Luckily, I've been staying in close touch with a couple of women who between them must have 40 years of experience in Overeaters Anonymous. And they've been helping me through this by encouraging me to stay in contact with them and work the OA programme.
But when I am feeling vulnerable, I hate writing. So, here I am, because it seems easier to blog than write. Of course, when blogging, I wonder about a tendency to gloss things over. Well, maybe, but it's better than nothing. I can always tell myself that not many people read this anyway...
So I slipped. And slipped hard, with 4 no-shit episodes of binge eating over the last month, precipitated by a persistant virus/cold that really made my emotions do a nose dive. Life seemed pointless some days. As of today, I'm in my 3rd day "clean". It doesn't feel particularly hard right now, but it can turn on a dime from sane to "fuck it, I'm shit, there is no hope, and I'm going to what I want to do, which is eat". One night I was in physical pain, I had stuffed so much food down my throat. Thankfully I did not feel compelled to throw up, because I feel that bulimia is another eating disorder even more serious than bingeing.
It always starts with the emotions for me. I don't think that the base problem is food in itself. The food, bad as it is, is "merely" a symptom. That's a pretty bad symptom. So the feelings must feel pretty big. Luckily, I've been staying in close touch with a couple of women who between them must have 40 years of experience in Overeaters Anonymous. And they've been helping me through this by encouraging me to stay in contact with them and work the OA programme.
But when I am feeling vulnerable, I hate writing. So, here I am, because it seems easier to blog than write. Of course, when blogging, I wonder about a tendency to gloss things over. Well, maybe, but it's better than nothing. I can always tell myself that not many people read this anyway...
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