I'm a fill-in speaker at an Overeaters Anonymous workshop in a nearby city tomorrow, I only have to speak for 20 minutes which really isn't all that long, but you know, having spoken a couple of times at local OA events I'm wondering what to say that most of them haven't already heard already. I'm trying hard to keep my ego out of this. Of course, I want to be "Captain OA" and save everyone from themselves, but you know, that isn't possible, because I don't know how to save them, jeez louise I don't even know how to save me most days. Sooo.... ok, got an outline of what they want me to touch on. Touch on??? Holy crap, look at these lightweight issues:
1. Outline the depth of my desperation before I came to OA. Ooooh, fun fun fun that one! How mizerable wuz I???
2. What were the paths I took toward abstinence? That's going to take some work, digging up those memories, and make them coherent...
3. Weight loss nitty gritty. The numbers. Easy one. Pictures to back it up... hmm... I should scan a couple of photos.
4. Clearly define food plan and how it fits with my abstinence... that's a little harder, because my food plan is by definition a bit vague. Or not vague, gentle. I'm not knocking myself over the head because I had one cookie, or a handful of chips. And how does it fit with my abstinence? I guess it's a gentle fit.
Well, I guess I have some writing to do. Offline. I'm sure I'll post bits of it here but that's later.
It's been an up and down week, but overall not bad. I've been a depressed slug in some ways, but in other ways I've been pretty alive. I've been interacting with people, always a challenge when I feel lousy, and sometimes it's like dying a thousand deaths to pick up the damn phone, but I made it through. Some days it has to be enough to be enough.
21.9.06
The Joy of ... Babysitting???
Ok, I’ve got like 10 minutes to write.
First a prayer from page 68 (I think) of the AA Big Book. It helps ground me: God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. And the bit I add: God, show me what it is what you had in mind when you made me.
My life was out of whack. It still gets off kilter, witness the last month or so. About 3 ½ years ago I was pulled kicking and screaming (or at least muttering and swearing) into spirituality. It was the spirituality borne of desperation. I wasn’t quite a fox-hole Christian, but I was close. Nobody was shooting at me, I was killing myself. My disease made me desperate. I was cornered. I had nowhere else to go short of bariatric surgery, and I knew that was not the answer for me. The only concept of God I could hold on to was whatever force kept the sun coming up each morning despite our best efforts to stop it. It was actually a good way to begin rebuilding my life. I didn’t have to adopt someone else’s cliched or rigid image of a higher power, although that is the one that does come up in my brain when my imagination is starved or lacking from spiritual malnuourishment. (The food metaphors just keep coming, don’t they?)
I reverted to old habits, not nurturing myself. Running from the fear instead of facing it head on. Trying to escape, but it didn’t get better. I got more and more miserable. If I hadn’t been buttonholed by someone from OA needing my assistance with a sponsee I might still be there. Still, I fought it. I made soup, I read mystery novels, I watched endless hours of tv. I stayed up until all hours of the night, avoiding life. I had an incredible couple of days of anxiety. But I finally faced the fear. I met with the sponsee, I met with my sponsor to ask for her guidance.
Today has been an incredible day. I feel so good. I feel like I have some power again. I didn’t do anything remarkable, went downtown on my bike to meet BF for lunch, made fresh pasta, planned Fuzz’s birthday cake, and did some emergency babysitting for BF. My organic food order arrived with some fantastic tart apples, basil, purple kohlrabi (never tried that before) and mammoth yellow tomatoes. Tonight is running group and dropping in on a birthday party for BF’s kid. Great day. I am not alone any more. I now can appreciate friends other than chocolate. Or kohlrabi.
First a prayer from page 68 (I think) of the AA Big Book. It helps ground me: God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. And the bit I add: God, show me what it is what you had in mind when you made me.
My life was out of whack. It still gets off kilter, witness the last month or so. About 3 ½ years ago I was pulled kicking and screaming (or at least muttering and swearing) into spirituality. It was the spirituality borne of desperation. I wasn’t quite a fox-hole Christian, but I was close. Nobody was shooting at me, I was killing myself. My disease made me desperate. I was cornered. I had nowhere else to go short of bariatric surgery, and I knew that was not the answer for me. The only concept of God I could hold on to was whatever force kept the sun coming up each morning despite our best efforts to stop it. It was actually a good way to begin rebuilding my life. I didn’t have to adopt someone else’s cliched or rigid image of a higher power, although that is the one that does come up in my brain when my imagination is starved or lacking from spiritual malnuourishment. (The food metaphors just keep coming, don’t they?)
I reverted to old habits, not nurturing myself. Running from the fear instead of facing it head on. Trying to escape, but it didn’t get better. I got more and more miserable. If I hadn’t been buttonholed by someone from OA needing my assistance with a sponsee I might still be there. Still, I fought it. I made soup, I read mystery novels, I watched endless hours of tv. I stayed up until all hours of the night, avoiding life. I had an incredible couple of days of anxiety. But I finally faced the fear. I met with the sponsee, I met with my sponsor to ask for her guidance.
Today has been an incredible day. I feel so good. I feel like I have some power again. I didn’t do anything remarkable, went downtown on my bike to meet BF for lunch, made fresh pasta, planned Fuzz’s birthday cake, and did some emergency babysitting for BF. My organic food order arrived with some fantastic tart apples, basil, purple kohlrabi (never tried that before) and mammoth yellow tomatoes. Tonight is running group and dropping in on a birthday party for BF’s kid. Great day. I am not alone any more. I now can appreciate friends other than chocolate. Or kohlrabi.
19.9.06
Holy Crap, So That's Why I do It?
Just in the last 2 days I really embraced the role of a sponsor in OA. A big new thing that I've been dancing around for over a year (does that still qualify it as new?) but have finally gotten, excuse the pun, my teeth into. Gotten down to the meat and potatoes (oh yum I love meat and potatoes, particularly pot roast, hem hem...) of the matter. Really working with a sponsee.
Well, I have another one, or rather I had another one. I talked with her, e-mailed her a couple of times, and now she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. I should call her. Sigh, I get great phone anxiety and I hate to call someone who I think might not really love talking to me, but she should have been back from her Europe trip long ago. That happens with sponsors/ees: people go missing and unfortunately it's usually not a good sign.
Anyway, I got a shove from another member who has sponsees coming out her ears and she observed that I seemed to connect with this woman, and now we're working together. I was pretty angry with the ubersponsor initially, because I felt she was pushing herself into my business, and she may do that in other matters anyway, she's that kind of personality. Now however, I think she did me a favour. I saw this person struggling with her eating who needed me and seemed really ready to work on it. I saw myself in many of the things she says. I really admired her, she's very intelligent and articulate and most endearingly, has a great sense for the comedic. What wasn't to like? I'll tell you --- I was as intimidated as Hell, and didn't feel I had anything to offer her. Oh woe is me, think I'll go eat some worms... It's amazing what utter bullshit I can convince myself of when I'm sunk in my sour cesspool of self loathing.
So I felt a little trapped. I wanted to help, but as Miz Oprah says, I felt "scured". I said yes, I'll sponsor, but I'm really afraid. And then it made me do something I've been putting off for next to forever: actually phoning my own sponsor and making an appointment to talk.
As this all was happening, I was having incredible anxiety: funny dreams, sleeplessness, social anxiety, I really wanted to bolt from a meeting where I was seated between my sponsor and my sponsee. But I didn't. I gave in. I gave up to it. Once I did that, the pain passed. It's incredible how I can get so upset and obsessed with my anxieties and then they can suddenly evaporate. I ugh, prayed. I said, ok, I can only do what I can do. I let go. Phhhht. The anger and anxiety, the feeling I've had for the last 2 months of feeling distanced from OA seemed to evaporate over a couple of days. I feel better. That's the basic benefit of sponsoring, that by confronting these issues, I end up feeling better. My sponsor tells me nearly every time we talk how good it makes her feel. I actually can feel that working.
Well, I have another one, or rather I had another one. I talked with her, e-mailed her a couple of times, and now she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. I should call her. Sigh, I get great phone anxiety and I hate to call someone who I think might not really love talking to me, but she should have been back from her Europe trip long ago. That happens with sponsors/ees: people go missing and unfortunately it's usually not a good sign.
Anyway, I got a shove from another member who has sponsees coming out her ears and she observed that I seemed to connect with this woman, and now we're working together. I was pretty angry with the ubersponsor initially, because I felt she was pushing herself into my business, and she may do that in other matters anyway, she's that kind of personality. Now however, I think she did me a favour. I saw this person struggling with her eating who needed me and seemed really ready to work on it. I saw myself in many of the things she says. I really admired her, she's very intelligent and articulate and most endearingly, has a great sense for the comedic. What wasn't to like? I'll tell you --- I was as intimidated as Hell, and didn't feel I had anything to offer her. Oh woe is me, think I'll go eat some worms... It's amazing what utter bullshit I can convince myself of when I'm sunk in my sour cesspool of self loathing.
So I felt a little trapped. I wanted to help, but as Miz Oprah says, I felt "scured". I said yes, I'll sponsor, but I'm really afraid. And then it made me do something I've been putting off for next to forever: actually phoning my own sponsor and making an appointment to talk.
As this all was happening, I was having incredible anxiety: funny dreams, sleeplessness, social anxiety, I really wanted to bolt from a meeting where I was seated between my sponsor and my sponsee. But I didn't. I gave in. I gave up to it. Once I did that, the pain passed. It's incredible how I can get so upset and obsessed with my anxieties and then they can suddenly evaporate. I ugh, prayed. I said, ok, I can only do what I can do. I let go. Phhhht. The anger and anxiety, the feeling I've had for the last 2 months of feeling distanced from OA seemed to evaporate over a couple of days. I feel better. That's the basic benefit of sponsoring, that by confronting these issues, I end up feeling better. My sponsor tells me nearly every time we talk how good it makes her feel. I actually can feel that working.
18.9.06
Guilt and Dr. Phil
No, this isn't a tabloid story or saga on the Dr. Phil show. I'm admitting a guilty pleasure, right up there with mystery novels and Kraft Dinner (you 'mericans call it Mac & Cheese) with wieners: watching Dr. Phil. Right now I'm on the couch and just reveling in all that mud being thrown, enjoying with the schadenfreude of the voyeur. I think I've said it before: it's got all the titillation of Jerry Springer but with higher production values and the gloss of the upper middle class with more SUV's than life skills. Notice how none of the Phil guests ever seem to live in low end housing whereas most of the Maurys or Jerrys sound as if they are one step removed from a cardboard box.
Come on, Dr. Phil is voyeurism in the guise of therapy. Reality tv is just a less scripted form of soap opera. It's basically gossip. Why is that so pleasurable? Does it take the focus off our own problems?
Guilty pleasures like gossip, junk food, or trash novels are ok in small amounts, but I can go overboard with them way too easily. I've been reading a ton of mystery novels. I've been running from the fear, the dread that...? The best I can say is it's a fear of not being enough. I met the most recent challenges but it never feels like enough. That's the time when I feel the most like eating, giving up, flaking out in front of the squawk box and turning off my brain. And yet when I can confront that fear, after a few moments of terror, I feel so much more alive and capable. It's been a difficult month, and I feel as if I'm just coming out the other side but I'm still frightened. I rented a studio almost 3 weeks ago, and after moving most of my junk in, turned the key and left. Haven't been back since. It's all part of the package.
Hey, I don't understand this stuff, I just write it down.
Come on, Dr. Phil is voyeurism in the guise of therapy. Reality tv is just a less scripted form of soap opera. It's basically gossip. Why is that so pleasurable? Does it take the focus off our own problems?
Guilty pleasures like gossip, junk food, or trash novels are ok in small amounts, but I can go overboard with them way too easily. I've been reading a ton of mystery novels. I've been running from the fear, the dread that...? The best I can say is it's a fear of not being enough. I met the most recent challenges but it never feels like enough. That's the time when I feel the most like eating, giving up, flaking out in front of the squawk box and turning off my brain. And yet when I can confront that fear, after a few moments of terror, I feel so much more alive and capable. It's been a difficult month, and I feel as if I'm just coming out the other side but I'm still frightened. I rented a studio almost 3 weeks ago, and after moving most of my junk in, turned the key and left. Haven't been back since. It's all part of the package.
Hey, I don't understand this stuff, I just write it down.
11.9.06
Happy New Year
I know I'm not alone in this: The day after Labour Day feels more like the new year than January. I think it's the same for anyone who has spent a lot of time in school and/or has kids. There's usually a more tangible sense of another year starting than at that bleak time in midwinter after Christmas.
This fall is one of those few when I'm not starting a new course of any sort, but I am trying to return to some old healthy habits. I drifted away from my 12 step meetings and regular gym attendance over the summer when we moved into the new house. It might have been equivocation, but I did feel truly too overwhemed with everything for two months and those things got shoved onto the back burner.
But lately I've been feeling pretty stressed out, although the stressful part of the move is mostly over. It was my overactive brain stirring up worries and obsessions to torture me with. And the decrease in my exercise routine combined with a particularly social summer means the jeans are fitting a little tight. I think I've gained 5 pounds or so. I'm not sure because I threw out the old scale. What is the difference between jeans that feel shapely on my middle aged abdomen and "hm, a little too snug"? That puppy was really old --- I'm thinking Sears circa 1980? I doubt it was too accurate any more. I'm not sure if I'll buy another one, oh, likely I will, but maybe for now I'll just let my clothes be my guide. Since I started OA I usually weigh myself only monthly, but in the past I was one of those obsessive weigh myself daily types, so I'm not going to rush. And it isn't as if a new scale is going to pleasantly surprise me right now any way.
So, 2 OA meetings in the past half week and a trip to the gym this afternoon for the first time in several weeks. It felt good. I hadn't lost much strength, lightened up some of the weights a little or did a few less reps, and it did feel good afterward.
This fall is one of those few when I'm not starting a new course of any sort, but I am trying to return to some old healthy habits. I drifted away from my 12 step meetings and regular gym attendance over the summer when we moved into the new house. It might have been equivocation, but I did feel truly too overwhemed with everything for two months and those things got shoved onto the back burner.
But lately I've been feeling pretty stressed out, although the stressful part of the move is mostly over. It was my overactive brain stirring up worries and obsessions to torture me with. And the decrease in my exercise routine combined with a particularly social summer means the jeans are fitting a little tight. I think I've gained 5 pounds or so. I'm not sure because I threw out the old scale. What is the difference between jeans that feel shapely on my middle aged abdomen and "hm, a little too snug"? That puppy was really old --- I'm thinking Sears circa 1980? I doubt it was too accurate any more. I'm not sure if I'll buy another one, oh, likely I will, but maybe for now I'll just let my clothes be my guide. Since I started OA I usually weigh myself only monthly, but in the past I was one of those obsessive weigh myself daily types, so I'm not going to rush. And it isn't as if a new scale is going to pleasantly surprise me right now any way.
So, 2 OA meetings in the past half week and a trip to the gym this afternoon for the first time in several weeks. It felt good. I hadn't lost much strength, lightened up some of the weights a little or did a few less reps, and it did feel good afterward.
7.9.06
Yet Again Back
Amazing how many times I start a post with the title "Back...". Guess that's the theme of life. It's not linear, it's actually more resembling a circle, or more aptly, a spiral. You get up every morning, do mostly the same stuff, it all seems so routine.
Except I've been out of my routine lately. New house that's actually about 80 years old. New town that I lived in twice before, the most recently about 16 years previous. Plus ça change... anyway. And then I fell into the gmail/blogger/beta trap and accessing my account for a couple of weeks was tortuous. I just stopped bothering, and I think part of it was I was feeling depressed enough that I didn't feel like trying. After all, who would want to hear what I was going to say?...
Today I feel like I've been in a total funk. Got very very little accomplished unless you count reading mystery novels (Gail Bowen gets better and better) drinking coffee, and playing Luxor. Oh yeah, and phoned my shrink and moaned and sniffled for 3/4 of an hour. She, as usual, encourages me strongly to attend a 12 step meeting. Oh ugh.
I know she's right. But right now I'd rather do anything but. I think the honeymoon stage with OA is certainly over for me. Right now it feels like that part of your marriage when you look at your partner and think "Fuck, aren't we in a rut. Who the hell are you??" Hey, I just passed year 21 married to Fuzz a couple of weeks ago. I've seen this pattern before. Over and over. There are ups and downs, big and little. And you stick it out.
Sigh. I'll let you know if I ever got to that meeting. I've got more chance of going running tonight. Anything to avoid confronting the problem directly. At least I'll get some exercise, get some endorphins going.
Except I've been out of my routine lately. New house that's actually about 80 years old. New town that I lived in twice before, the most recently about 16 years previous. Plus ça change... anyway. And then I fell into the gmail/blogger/beta trap and accessing my account for a couple of weeks was tortuous. I just stopped bothering, and I think part of it was I was feeling depressed enough that I didn't feel like trying. After all, who would want to hear what I was going to say?...
Today I feel like I've been in a total funk. Got very very little accomplished unless you count reading mystery novels (Gail Bowen gets better and better) drinking coffee, and playing Luxor. Oh yeah, and phoned my shrink and moaned and sniffled for 3/4 of an hour. She, as usual, encourages me strongly to attend a 12 step meeting. Oh ugh.
I know she's right. But right now I'd rather do anything but. I think the honeymoon stage with OA is certainly over for me. Right now it feels like that part of your marriage when you look at your partner and think "Fuck, aren't we in a rut. Who the hell are you??" Hey, I just passed year 21 married to Fuzz a couple of weeks ago. I've seen this pattern before. Over and over. There are ups and downs, big and little. And you stick it out.
Sigh. I'll let you know if I ever got to that meeting. I've got more chance of going running tonight. Anything to avoid confronting the problem directly. At least I'll get some exercise, get some endorphins going.
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