The Joy of ... Babysitting???

Ok, I’ve got like 10 minutes to write.

First a prayer from page 68 (I think) of the AA Big Book. It helps ground me: God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self so that I may do thy will. Take away my difficulties so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. And the bit I add: God, show me what it is what you had in mind when you made me.

My life was out of whack. It still gets off kilter, witness the last month or so. About 3 ½ years ago I was pulled kicking and screaming (or at least muttering and swearing) into spirituality. It was the spirituality borne of desperation. I wasn’t quite a fox-hole Christian, but I was close. Nobody was shooting at me, I was killing myself. My disease made me desperate. I was cornered. I had nowhere else to go short of bariatric surgery, and I knew that was not the answer for me. The only concept of God I could hold on to was whatever force kept the sun coming up each morning despite our best efforts to stop it. It was actually a good way to begin rebuilding my life. I didn’t have to adopt someone else’s cliched or rigid image of a higher power, although that is the one that does come up in my brain when my imagination is starved or lacking from spiritual malnuourishment. (The food metaphors just keep coming, don’t they?)

I reverted to old habits, not nurturing myself. Running from the fear instead of facing it head on. Trying to escape, but it didn’t get better. I got more and more miserable. If I hadn’t been buttonholed by someone from OA needing my assistance with a sponsee I might still be there. Still, I fought it. I made soup, I read mystery novels, I watched endless hours of tv. I stayed up until all hours of the night, avoiding life. I had an incredible couple of days of anxiety. But I finally faced the fear. I met with the sponsee, I met with my sponsor to ask for her guidance.

Today has been an incredible day. I feel so good. I feel like I have some power again. I didn’t do anything remarkable, went downtown on my bike to meet BF for lunch, made fresh pasta, planned Fuzz’s birthday cake, and did some emergency babysitting for BF. My organic food order arrived with some fantastic tart apples, basil, purple kohlrabi (never tried that before) and mammoth yellow tomatoes. Tonight is running group and dropping in on a birthday party for BF’s kid. Great day. I am not alone any more. I now can appreciate friends other than chocolate. Or kohlrabi.