Holy Crap, So That's Why I do It?

Just in the last 2 days I really embraced the role of a sponsor in OA. A big new thing that I've been dancing around for over a year (does that still qualify it as new?) but have finally gotten, excuse the pun, my teeth into. Gotten down to the meat and potatoes (oh yum I love meat and potatoes, particularly pot roast, hem hem...) of the matter. Really working with a sponsee.

Well, I have another one, or rather I had another one. I talked with her, e-mailed her a couple of times, and now she seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. I should call her. Sigh, I get great phone anxiety and I hate to call someone who I think might not really love talking to me, but she should have been back from her Europe trip long ago. That happens with sponsors/ees: people go missing and unfortunately it's usually not a good sign.

Anyway, I got a shove from another member who has sponsees coming out her ears and she observed that I seemed to connect with this woman, and now we're working together. I was pretty angry with the ubersponsor initially, because I felt she was pushing herself into my business, and she may do that in other matters anyway, she's that kind of personality. Now however, I think she did me a favour. I saw this person struggling with her eating who needed me and seemed really ready to work on it. I saw myself in many of the things she says. I really admired her, she's very intelligent and articulate and most endearingly, has a great sense for the comedic. What wasn't to like? I'll tell you --- I was as intimidated as Hell, and didn't feel I had anything to offer her. Oh woe is me, think I'll go eat some worms... It's amazing what utter bullshit I can convince myself of when I'm sunk in my sour cesspool of self loathing.

So I felt a little trapped. I wanted to help, but as Miz Oprah says, I felt "scured". I said yes, I'll sponsor, but I'm really afraid. And then it made me do something I've been putting off for next to forever: actually phoning my own sponsor and making an appointment to talk.

As this all was happening, I was having incredible anxiety: funny dreams, sleeplessness, social anxiety, I really wanted to bolt from a meeting where I was seated between my sponsor and my sponsee. But I didn't. I gave in. I gave up to it. Once I did that, the pain passed. It's incredible how I can get so upset and obsessed with my anxieties and then they can suddenly evaporate. I ugh, prayed. I said, ok, I can only do what I can do. I let go. Phhhht. The anger and anxiety, the feeling I've had for the last 2 months of feeling distanced from OA seemed to evaporate over a couple of days. I feel better. That's the basic benefit of sponsoring, that by confronting these issues, I end up feeling better. My sponsor tells me nearly every time we talk how good it makes her feel. I actually can feel that working.