I was lying in bed early this morning feeling ambushed and overwhelmed by all the "had to do"'s for today, feeling utterly ashamed of how paralysed I felt. So I went back to sleep because I didn't feel able to cope. Blessed unconsciousness.
But then I remembered that I was expecting the UPS guy. So I got up, and I've been sitting around the house for the past 4 hours waiting for him. Mind you, if the UPS guy wasn't coming (I didn't actually expect the order to come this soon) I might just be sitting around anyway, but feeling worse about it. I'm really struggling with a depressed mood the last few weeks. This way, at least I'm doing something useful when I sit around. Actually, I'm doing some other stuff too. I'm writing something for a talk I'm supposed to be giving tomorrow. I've had a healthy breakfast and lunch. Somedays the blessings seem small, but I have to try to count them.
Having to stick around the house lowered the bar for me today. I'm not feeling totally paralysed and useless.
Do one thing at a time. Don't overplan. I keep telling myself, but somehow it just gets added to the coals that I heap upon my head. Life in my head is tough right now; all those coals aren't that easy to bear. Sometimes I'm ok, sometimes I'm not. But I'm still here.
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