Me vs. The Cookies.. Why Do I DO This???

Didja notice that yesterday I mentioned I was making cookies for a community meeting? I was asked, and instead of saying, can I wash coffee cups or set out chairs, I said, oh sure I'll make cookies! Did anyone find that strange? I should have! I should have at least considered whether that was a good idea to have several dozen cookies cooling in my kitchen, or what's almost worse, several dozen cookies worth of cookie dough, of which I nibbled on so much yesterday that I realized I had to go without my usual evening snack of chocolate. Also, bad idea to run with cookie dough in the tummy. Holy brick in the stomach Batman...

So, I'm a compulsive overeater and I offered to do the foodie equivalent of a drunk offering to make the holiday punch for a party. I'm wondering if I should do that again. I'm still in the midst of it, so it's good I'm writing. I'm trying to be honest, not gloss the struggle over. I ran out of time yesterday so I threw the dough in the fridge and I'm baking them this morning. 7 or 8 dozen cookies are spread over the kitchen, cooling. At this point in the day (it's almost noon)I've had 2 cookies. Samples, right? Yeah. So, it's early in the day and I've already had most of my allotted dessert for the day. How am I with that? Not terribly happy about it really. I usually save a dessert for the evening.

The irony increases, I'm supposed to meet my OA sponsee for our weekly chat in an hour. Do I tell her I was baking cookies? Yes. I have to be honest, and this has been a challenge to my sanity. I wonder if this is a safe thing for me to do. Am I tempting fate, am I thriving on the thrill of baking? It's true, I love cooking and baking as an anxiety release. It feels so homey, all those good smells. Maybe I'm trying to recover, or remake my childhood where so much of the good things were around food. Intersperse that with a constant diet. I don't know where all of this leads, it's just interesting to look at at this point. Will it take a binge to change me? Do I have to change? Am I wasting my time on this earth with comfort food rather than directing my phantom but considerable when occasionally tapped energies into more sane yet more risky avenues? No answers here.