I got a call last night from one of the organizers of a series of group therapy sessions that I have been interested in joining since my Addictions Doc left town. Unfortunately the session is scheduled for the same time as one of my 2 weekly group runs. I told the person that I would have to get back to her today, that I had to think about it. And I did. I talked to Fuzz about it, but I kind of knew all along I would, regretfully, have to turn it down.
Because I love running, and I love running with the people I run with. Mind you there is only 3 of us right now, sometimes just the 2, but we are there for each other and it feels so good. I have to qualify my love for running: Sometimes it feels so good only after we've run, on those nights when it feels like my limbs are concrete blocks and my blood is thicker than mortar. But actually, even those nights aren't totally bad. The struggling usually lifts after about 10 or 15 minutes and suddenly I'm flowing.
I've got crappy lung capacity, maybe it's genetic, maybe it's because I was sick a lot as a kid and I still have some latent asthma, or maybe it's because I was very sedentary until I was nearly 40, but I'm never going to be a super athelete. I doubt I will ever attempt a marathon, that's just too much pain, but I feel pretty amazing and amazed when I can run for a half hour. I finally get what that runner's high stuff is about, feeling totally physically spent and my whole body is glowing, feeling as if the exertion has pumped blood into every last bit of my being. I actually feel good that I'm sweaty.
That's a change. When I was over 300 I did everything I could to avoid getting all sweaty, partly because it didn't take much movement to make me sweat, and I was so full of shame at my physical condition that my mind was consumed with doing everything I could to not appear sweaty and flustered. Which was impossible, so I would shun people and situations where that might happen, I grew more isolated, and more ill.
Sometimes we run at the same time as the university track club that our coach also coaches, and it's amazing to watch these kids who just seem to effortlessly raise their heels so high they're practically kicking themselves. Of course I start to compare, but I have to stop that, because I'm not them, and comparing myself to others is one of those things that gets my head into a bad space.
Fuzz has this Yogi-Barraism he likes to say which is "I'm in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in", and I like it. At 45, and after all I've been through, I'm doing pretty damn good.
1 comment:
That's a good Yogi-Barraism to stick with:-)
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