Food Bribery

I've used food for many things that aren't really healthy: as a substitute for friends or misplaced self-comfort. But I think I just realized that I use it regularly as bribery. Love my food, love me, goes the crazy logic in my head. It's a pretty common tactic in our culture, and hey, it works, to an extent. Witness the business lunch, or the breakfast meeting: food makes it more palatable. Look at all those holiday ads with yummy mummies and adoring children baking together. The Norman Rockwell-esque family gathered around Granny, and even more importantly, that giant turkey!

I think the reason I have an entire bookcase full of cookbooks is because I have this semi-permanent fantasy loop about making wonderful dishes for my family and friends. The reality is we rarely have people over except our oldest and least critical friends because the house is in a permanent state of semi-reno.

A couple of days ago, I heard a radio feature about a woman who makes her living by baking wonderful pies. As American as apple pie, they say, it's such an iconic image for us. I had such a craving to be that woman, although I knew it was a very unrealistic fantasy. I've worked in food service, and for a while I indulged in the fantasy that I would be chef to all, universally adored.

Oh boy, it's such a seductive trap for me. Through hard lessons with food, however, I've discovered that it's more dangerous than helpful. I end up eating too much of the "special" food myself, and I usually get so wrapped up in the food that I don't fully experience being with others. And this morning I realized the fragility of my ego, that feels if I don't offer food, people won't be attracted to me. As if I have to stuff some warm muffins down my bra to increase my attractiveness! There's the food addiction: where I don't feel right without the food. It's the compulsive overater's equivalent to an alcoholic needing a drink to lubricate their daily work, take the edge off.