There's no way this blog is ever going to make me famous, but I've found over and over again that daily writing here seems to keep me more even. Maybe it lets out some of the sourness that tends to build up in my soul. Rather disturbing to think of internal sourness, in our society we don't want to acknowledge the darker feelings. In fact I used to think I was aberrant in that I have those feelings, but I have come to believe that everyone does, it just differs on how we deal with them or don't. I think that my aberrant behaviour that came out in my overeating and my inability to work without crushing anxiety had something to do with my inability to face these hard feelings, the anger, the fear in particular. Everyone has those feelings, and you can't just smother them. You have to deal with them. The longer I do 12 step work and therapy the more I see that there are many, many people who don't deal with them very well. We suppress them at our own peril, because they don't just go away, they can grow and explode in devastating ways, destroying lives and families. Slowly, or quickly, with a bang. Sometimes literally! Sometimes, as in my own case, slowly smothering the natural joy until life seemed no longer worth living.
Whoa. Heavy stuff this morning. Maybe because I hadn't posted for a few days, and I've got a lot on my mind. A lot has happened this week, the first one back in town since the Christmas holidays. A lot of fun with friends, and some hard stuff too, helping a sick friend, and witnessing another one spinning out of control. And I've got some stuff on my plate. A couple of classes I've committed to teaching over a couple of days. Oh man, my stomach just did a flip flop there. I've got to firm up what I'm teaching and talk with the coordinators of the classes. It's been a long time since I've attempted to teach, and frankly, it's scaring the willies out of me. I think I've got a deep vein of pessimism about it, mixed up with some hope and joy if I do manage to pass on the fun stuff. After lunch I'll spend some time in the studio and maybe ground myself a bit, maybe dredge the dollar stores for some visual aids. Oh man, my stomach is really churning up. Ok, first things first. They need a bio to give to parents and students, bleah...
Well, got that done, I think. Now I have to look at what I want the kids to do with their 90 minutes and how to do it. Easy peasy, huh? The irony is I used to teach for a living, but I'm out of practice and that was several lifetimes ago. There are a couple of real differences here: I'm a different person than I was then, and I am teaching something I really really want to pass on well, because I love the subject. So I have to do this in a way that conveys that. I love life drawing and painting, but it's really hard work, and as frequent readers of this blog know, I've had a lot of hangups about my art, having just gotten back in the studio after a block that kept me out of the studio for most of five years. Well, that's not true. I did do a couple of paintings during that time, but I did spend a lot of time running. Hm, well, looks like I've stopped running here. Good omen.
Yahoo! Lunch time! And tonight Fuzz and I will hit the gym, so the day looks good! Work, self care, and physical exercise.
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