Stop the Clock!

Rats rats rats, where does the time go! I've got so much on my plate today...

Yesterday was a great day, despite the worries that plague me. I think this teaching opportunity has dredged up a lot of old ghouls, but it's interesting in that I am reminded of a similar frame of mind when I was in Grad School in New York, around the turn of the millenium (creeeak, sound of wheels in time moving)... It was damn hard work, I was worried I wasn't going to be able to do it. I would wake up early in the morning so I could walk for a half hour or so just to clear my head before heading down into the bowels of Manhattan to catch the 2 or 3 express to school . I guess you could call it a buzz. I feel challenged and it makes me a little squirrelly but alive. It also makes me think, that just like grad school, it's a really good thing to do. There were a lot of other less constructive behaviours that I indulged in during grad school, so in order to avoid lapsing into those very familiar and seductive patterns I have to work a different one, not white knuckle my way through the very large hole that is created when I stop the destructive behaviours. That's where working the steps come in: creating constructive coping mechanisms that actually encourage growth rather than retreating into fear.

I am so grateful for the Tuesday night OA meeting I go to. There are some women there who are really working the 12 steps in their lives to change the old negative patterns and create new and fulfilling ones. They are making new lives for themselves that have surprising amounts of joy rather than deadening, enveloping fear self abuse. And I think that this is how I have to work these challenges that I've taken on now: How do I approach them in a healthy way leading to joy, rather than with the old stunted (fear suffused, self-flagellating) approach I learned from, well, who knows, my family, the culture, the ether, whatever. Doesn't matter. Work the steps. Acknowledge that I am filled with fear and ask for help from a higher power and my friends. Spread it around, gather strength to me, not try to work it in a fear-created vacuum which only supports the growth of more fear. Look at my expectations, tone them down, start small and build.

I've just had an idea of a visual aid I can use. It seems really simple, but I think it will work. I've got a good friend who wants me to work with her class, so we'll try it with them. I've also got an idea about a buddy exercise. Things are starting to flow. It seems slow, but I've still got prep time.

Ok, despite the fact that I am luxuriating in bed with a furry purring lead weight between my ankles, it's time to get to the gym and move my body, see what other positive energy I can stir up. Man o man. I can't believe this is me some days.