Well, so far, so good. I went to the gym last weekend and did strength training at about 75% my pre-hysterectomy (about 2 and a half months ago now) intensity, and I rejoined my running group last week too. My abs were pretty achy the next couple of days, but nothing a couple of ibuprofen couldn't handle.
The funny thing is, my brain does this weird competitive thing. It's as if while I was off sick, it kept going, and is having difficulty accepting that my endurance and speed are not so great right now. My group has changed routes to a local conservation area and we're now doing more cross country stuff. Ugh, hills and uneven ground. We've also started doing these short course relay drills which means we end up running alone more. So last evening, I was panting my way up a short but steep hill, and without even knowing it, I was running like a person that was damned if she was going to let a little old 6 inch abdominal incision slow her down. Yes, I'm insane...
That brought back a very unpleasant flashback from student teacher days when I went on a hike with a grade 6 class. I had been struggling with this class of overpriveledged, undermannered kids and their teacher, a cross between oh, Cruella DeVille and some sort of benevolent dictator, and if her students did anything wrong, it was obviously my fault. For some reason, I felt like the scapegoat from the first moment I stepped into her classroom. It was my first placement and I was in over my head. (My next two placements were the complete opposite: I loved them and they loved me, and I came away with glowing recommendations.) I believe that somehow, my size (I was in the high 200's at that time) was an issue with this woman.
Anyway, I got left in their dust the day of the hike and struggled on behind with one of the students who probably felt sorry for me. When I finished, the teacher told me that if I was going to be a teacher I would have to lose weight. I felt about 3 inches tall, very ashamed. Now I wonder if she would have told one of my classmates who had an artificial leg that to be an effective teacher, he would need two good legs.
Obviously, I did lose weight. But at the time, it seemed as possible as my friend regrowing his leg, and there are many, many people who are still suffering who can't "just do it" or "say no" to food. Even if hiking was not then my forte, I had many good qualities that enabled me to be an effective teacher, even if I was fat. We're not stupid, or lazy, or any of those other stereotypes. It really does seem impossible, and that's because it is close to impossible to permanently change so much of one's character and habits, your whole way of dealing with the world through the filter of food. Imagine taking your computer's operating system, Windows or whatever you're using, and rebuilding it from the ground up.
Uh huh. That hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment