Grumpy and Hungry

The two go together. I spent most of today screwing myself into a mental hole, and surprise, surprise, I'm hungry now. I've been really indecisive, and I blew off my OA meeting this morning. Something has been bugging me about that meeting, I've been leaving it feeling spent and angry, not filled. So for the last couple of weeks, I've decided at the last minute to not go. This morning I almost got all the way there (it's about a 40 minute drive) before I turned the car away and spent the time sitting in a Starbuck's, writing. I don't know if the other members really are as whiny and negative as they seem to me, or if I have a chip on my shoulder because I'm the secretary of that group and I see them as messing with "my" meeting. Usually, the answer is a little of both.

I'm feeling a great deal of shame and anger about it, it seems. And interestingly, as I drink another cup of coffee and write about this, at least I can feel the hunger subside, if not those roiling emotions. I know it's not healthy for me to avoid things that make me uncomfortable, because that's my pattern, fed by that pessimistic voice that sighs "oh, what's the use?" And then it's a quick dive, dive, dive, right into the food.

I think this has to do with self image, vulnerability, boundaries, and the importance of being my own best friend. And I have to do it out in the world. It's not enough to do it cocooned in my la-z-boy. Yes, I have one, actually, two, since I inherited another one when my folks died, and sigh, they really are comfortable, especially when using a laptop.

I had the most interesting image while going to sleep the other night: I was thinking about that yawning canyon of fear that seemed to open up beneath me when I tried to work in my studio. Suddenly I had the image of that canyon being the grand canyon and I wasn't falling into it, but flying through it, enthralled by the splendour enveloping me.