A part of me cringes when I read yesterday's foodblog-ish entry. What if it was the first thing read by someone desperate for help with obesity? Ironically, I was so absorbed in writing about the food, I forgot to eat breakfast. That never happens. Well, I guess now it's "almost never happens". Welcome to the planet of a compulsive overeater. I am still obsessed with food, but at least I can turn that obsession into making very tasty and nutrious meals. Just because I'm not overweight right now doesn't mean I've turned into a self-flagellating, hair shirt wearing nun of abstinence.
Hm. In that previous paragraph, I originally typed "I'm not overweight any more" rather than "right now". If my own history has taught me anything, it's that I am perfectly capable of regaining the weight. I know that I am also prone to mentally abusing myself for being less than perfect, so it requires a balancing act between the tendency towards perfectionism and honesty about how healthy my behaviour is in the present moment. My biggest goal has to be acceptance of my humanity, right now.
Which leads me to that coin in my hand. I was given this a few weeks ago at my celebration of one year's abstinence from compulsive overeating (which in my case translates to binge eating and, while it was rare and I don't like talking about it, purging). The engraving I had added is the word "tolerance". To me that is tolerance for others because it is amazing how incredibly intolerant I can be of those who are struggling with the same problems I am. I get locked up in fear and blame. Even more important to me is the struggle to be tolerant of my own humanity. I am meaner to myself than I am to anyone else.
I keep this coin with me as much as I can and rub it like a worry bead in times of craving, fear, or when I need a little comfort. Notice how those things always seem to come together? The coin's less bulky than a teddy bear, and doesn't object to being lugged around the way the cat does.
1 comment:
I thought it was funny what you said about never forgetting to eat. I hear people say that all the time, "I forgot to eat." That never happens to me. I wish I could forget to eat occasionally.
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