I'm Certifiably Nuts ....mmmmm.... Nuts!

Forgive me for the Homer moment, but what do you expect of a compulsive overeater who loves foodblogs? Witness my link to Orangette's blog on the right. Follow the link at your own peril, I take NO responsibility for the results. In my defence, I will point out that she does a lot of good things with vegetables. Does this make me nuts? Sometimes, I am nuts. Actually, nuts is one of the foods that makes me nuts. I just can't take a few out of the dish at the party, so I avoid them for the most part. I saw a dietician a few times in 2004, just to see if I was getting the right nutrition. I also told her I was getting some pretty strong food cravings in the evenings. She looked at what I was eating and suggested I get more protein early rather than later in the day, that my body might be feeling deprived, causing the cravings. Nuts was one of the things she suggested adding as a snack for that early in the day protein.

At first I was leery of adding this rich snack. After all, I thought snacking had been one of my problems and I had lost over a hundred pounds by mostly eliminating snacks between meals. But I tried it, and besides, it was nuts! It started off well, but quickly degenerated into nutbrain. I tried unsalted. Nope, I started living for that quarter cup in midmorning which quickly grew to a half cup. I tried it in granola. Even bigger mistake. Crunchy and fatty and sweet and edible by the (ultimately) handful! Whoa Nellie! That was my last break in my abstinence from binge eating, 385 days ago. It was not a binge like my binges had been years before that, hardly a lot of food, but there was that horrible feeling of being completely out of control with the food and not really caring, what one of my OA friends called a "f*** it moment". I can still remember just snorfing down the granola, standing in front of an open cupboard. Eating standing up is always a bad sign. The Golden Globes were on and I was feeling very has-been and unglamorous (I hate you Una).

Gave the rest to Fuzzboy and said, "Take 'em to those ravenous hoards in the staffroom" and he happily obliged. Now, the only way I can do nuts is slivered almonds in my morning oatmeal, which I make every 3 nights to warm up in the morning. It is fabu, the best breakfast I ever had. But that is the only way I ever have them. Harder to eat oatmeal with one's hands, but not impossible, so don't tempt me, but the milk does tend to leak through one's fingers... The rest of the time the almonds live in the freezer. And when I add them to the pot of oatmeal, they are weighed. I have to admit I will still steal a Tb of them or so while I'm measuring them out, but it seems to stop there. It still feels like I am playing with fire. But am I nervous enough to stop eating it altogether? Not yet. I have eliminated potato chips, having had my brain leave my body and reside in a can of Pringles for one party too many, and I don't keep any crackers in the house beyond that flatbread that tastes like rye mixed with straw.

I may post the oatmeal recipe here some day, which makes me feel a little nutty. Yes, it's steel cut oats with dried fruit, almonds and spices. It is very tasty and good for one. But this is a blog about my eating disorder... eating disorder blog with recipes? I don't know...

Oh yeah: the other way I have nuts is a half whole grain sandwich with peanut butter for a mid morning or afternoon snack. 15 grams of peanut butter, no more, no less. I know. I weigh the damn thing, which is much easier than trying to measure a tb of the sticky stuff out. When you play with fire, you need all the safeguards you can get.