The longer I experience the joys of being a “normal” size and continue to struggle with the impulses to do things that are injurious to my emotional and physical health, I am struck by how certain feelings make me feel like eating when I am not hungry and/or eat things that aren’t good for me. Mind you, nobody enjoys a good greasy meal of french fries with gravy than I, but there are times when the moderation really feels in jeopardy of flying out the window.
Here are some of the emotions and events that make me want to eat, in more or less order of the strength of the resulting craving:
When I weigh myself and think I could stand to lose a few pounds! Nothing makes me want to eat more than this, which is pretty quixotic. I think it has something to do with the stress and fear aroused by this, and then my impulse is to eat to make myself feel better!
When I consider dieting (see above).
When I’ve deprived myself of food or gone long past my usual mealtime.
Angry or envious, which often boils down to simple fear that my needs will not be met.
When lonely or have spent a lot of time alone and want to remain a hermit (likely due to previous reason).
Having nostalgic memories of an old bad habit that I haven’t done for years— having a few too many drinks then going for late night takeout, getting the large popcorn at a movie (how in hell do people do that and then not eat the whole thing???), or plowing my way through a whole box, bag, or bucket of something...
Overtired.
Dehydrated.
Awake in the middle of the night for no good reason.
The awareness of what makes me want to eat can keep me from heartache when I can take steps to care for myself enough that I can avoid and/or work through these situations as much as possible. What really helps is the self awareness to realize that I’ve been in a situation before, and although it may feel like I’m in the grips of a powerful compulsion at the time, it really can pass, and amazingly, I will survive without eating. I am beginning to see that it isn’t so much an impulse to punish or abuse myself but is more related to a very deep, if quiet fear that if I do not treat myself with food, my wishes will not be fulfilled by anyone or anything else.
2 comments:
Just found your blog yesterday. I am a food addict but am not ready for OA (it's a shame thing, I think). Thank you for being so candid. Your story gives me hope.
Don't give up. Congratulations for recognizing the shame. It can poison us, and I'm finding more and more evidence that it is one of the major roots of my problem.
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