I was feeling ashamed the other day. Or, to be more accurate here, I was aware of feeling a lot of shame. Shame is a default setting for me. I think I start feeling it even before I'm consciously awake. Years of training, my friend, a good Irish Catholic upbringing and the fine examples of my parents before me, have made me a champion in at least that one area. (Am I being sarcastic or ironic? I think that Americans view me as sarcastic, the British as ironic. Canadians, well, we go right down the middle, of course...)
What am I ashmed of? To be blunt, of being a lazy bum when it comes to housekeeping. We were on our way to dinner at the home of some people I respect a great deal. In other words, they intimidate the shit out of me: smart, funny, creative, and I want their house. It's in a funky urban neigbourhood and of course, their brother in law, the architect, has updated their 150 yr-old farmhouse so that it's comfy and cool.
Our place could be funky too, if I had energy. And that's where the shame comes in: I just haven't had the energy to do much to our place over the many years we've lived there. A few things, but Fuzz is responsible for most of it, and he's the one whose also held down a full time job and oh yeah he just finished grad school too. I know, I've been dealing with a lot of crap, among other things... parents died, then grad school, and all that stuff with eating disorders, losing my health, gaining my health, learning how to exercise...
Then I realized, hey, over my forty plus years I've known a lot of people who were overweight by at least a hundred pounds. Personally, I can't remember one of them being able to lose weight in a healthy manner and keep it off for any amount of time, outside of my friends in OA. I know those people must exist, I just haven't met one that I can remember. So I've done something pretty unique, one small chink in my armour of shame.
This shame can be a killer, and when I feel shamed I feel hungry. Just as when I consider a diet I get hungry. If I can get some relief from the shame without using the food, then I have made a step forward.
3 comments:
My apartment is not as cool and welcoming as I'd like it to be...I'm working on it though. It's coming along. I think a lot of people have that problem. I try not to feel guilty about it. But I just want a place that's more homey!!!! :)
I have the lazy housekeeping gene too! What's helped me has been to treat work around my apt as "exercise." So spending even 10 minutes a day pays double...it's time I'm not on the couch (or the computer :), and it helps me feel better to do something that makes my environment better. It's very Zen :).
You should definitely proud and unique. I don't know many people who've done what you did. I think it's just amazing.
As for the housekeeping, don't be too hard on yourself. As long as it's not filthy, it's ok in my book :)
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