Diggin' in the Dirt...

The last week has been interesting. It's quite amazing to be in the position of being grateful that I had a food incident, my "bingette" of last week, because I seem to have been given some revelations about some aspects of my... what would you call it? A modern term for it would be my "operating system", but you could also call it my unconscious philosophy of life, or my schema if you will, my concept of the world and my place in it.

I had a breakthrough like this a few months ago when I realized just how controlled I was by my worries of other people's opinion of my work in the studio, and this kind of fits with it, my feeling of being a victim, something that dates back to my early days with my family. Somewhere I really identified with this and I have a feeling that by working with this old, and pretty outdated image of myself I can actually get a measure of peace.

So much of my inner work of the last 7 years has been looking at my experiences in the early years that have shaped my viewpoint. It's just been the last year or so after a fairly intense few months of depression that I've been able to address how those experiences color my present life and how they actually don't fit my life now, allowing me to put them aside to have a clearer view of reality. More specifically, I can see how I'm not the victim I used to be, and so don't have to still act like one.

Maybe when I was a kid I ate excessively to comfort myself in the face of events that I had no control over. Now that I'm an adult, I have control over much more in my life, and I don't have to eat like I'm still a victim.