I went to bed last night and my brain was just spinning. Monkey mind, a 12-step friend calls it, although I think she got the term from Bhuddists trying to calm their minds in meditation. So, I did my version of meditation. I silently repeated the Serenity Prayer over and over until I went to sleep, which felt like an hour, but I doubt it was more than fifteen minutes. I had had a great couple of days --- I drove to Toronto to meet up with Fuzz where he was at a conference. We had a great thali at our favorite Indian dive (decor by MacDonalds, food by Delhi) and then a concert by the Finnish acapella group Rajaton --- wow! We stayed at Fuzz's hotel overnight and when he returned to his meetings, I continued the Scandinavian theme and took off for Ikea and spent a great morning buying baskets, rugs and hooks and a big new hutch for our kitchen. Then I drove home at breakneck speed for our choir rehearsal which went really well (unlike last week --- that was the topic of the last post) and I felt good.
Of course, travelling I ate a little too much and I had a really rich brownie at the social after the rehearsal. The sad thing was I was talking with another painter at the same time so I didn't even taste the brownie. I really regretted that. It was a good brownie but I just inhaled it.
I think there was a fair bit of subconscious anxiety going on though. And it made me wonder what was going on, as it seems to fuel my compulsion to overeat. I went to bed although I wasn't very sleepy, but it was self defense; I knew that staying up later would be dangerous, food wise. Which explains a bit of the monkey mind.
For some reason what floated into my mind when preparing for bed was an image from over a quarter century in the past: I was a junior in high school and had a part in a play, and I remember buying a box of crackers and eating a lot of them, in secret. It was a very happy time (I loved acting) but I know there was a lot of social anxiety on my part as most of the other actors were older than me and I really felt the odd girl out. It seems like performance, acting, or singing, activities which I love, also raises big worries ... the old Sally Field thing: "You love me, you really love me!!!" But there's also the worry that maybe people are looking at me, silently mocking me, or even worse, thinking me too proud and despising me for it. In other words, I'm being uppity and I'm going to get my comeuppance.
Hm. That's interesting. I think that can explain that tendency to overeat when things are going well. At least on the surface, they are going well, but underneath, like a cold stream flowing through my veins (or at least my digestive tract) is that anxiety. I'm not sure what, if anything I can do about that beyond doing what my therapist (and a meditation teacher I once had) suggests, but just notice it. Honour that I have that feeling. And then let it go. It will return, I'm sure, but I think the awareness of it alone robs it of some of the power to control me.
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