Ahhhh

Finally, I'm taking a little time to just stop. Seems like ages since I've been able to sit in bed with the laptop and the TV on, half-watching Martha cook something, I'm not sure what, I'm not paying much attention, just luxuriating in somebody else working. I've got 10 zillion other things I "should" be doing --- my friend says, "there you go, should-ing on yourself again" --- but I need to stop, gather my scattered wits. I'm taking this morning off.

We've been painting and packing. I'm so happy about where our new house is, downtown in Midsizeburg, where I can walk or bike to almost anywhere I want to go in the downtown. But the house is smaller. It's a great size for the two of us, but it is forcing me to finally come to terms with all that furniture and bric-a-brac I inherited when my parents died almost 10 years ago. I've sold or given away a lot of it, but there is still too much. It is as if I am living in a museum to their memory, and it's not a happy memorial --- there are many sad memories tied up with these old things. I don't have an albatross around my neck, it's a china cabinet filled with silver and pinwheel crystal!

Like going through the waves of grief I went through when my mother died (not the same as when my father died, his passing was a merciful relief of misery), I go through waves of emotion when dealing with their stuff:

"Oh God, if they only saw what I was doing, they'd be spinning in their graves!"
"I am SO SICK of this stuff!"
"That's it! This can go to Goodwill!"
"Maybe I can just make a fire in the backyard..."
"Ok, let's go with the auctioneer..."
"I wonder if this might fit in the kitchen?" Fuzz:"Are you KIDDING?"
"I'm keeping this. No, I'm not. Yes, maybe... Rats... "
"Is this actually worth all this grief?"
"Just put it in the box before I change my mind!"
"Wow, this looks really good when you get all the crap out of here!..."

Whew. No wonder I can feel tired even without lifting a finger! However, slowly, things are happening. I'm discovering how dealing with stuff can be pretty satisfying. And come what may, the first week of July we are moving. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Feel the doubt, feel the fear, spit in its face, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And enjoy this cup of coffee.