Body vs. Head

I have to admit, once again, that I am a complex creature. "No no no," screams my brain, "I want everything to be simple! Why is everything so damn complicated!" Grr! Spit! I am considering the relationship between my head and my body, which is probably pretty similar to most women: torturous at best. I wonder how many women I know do not look daily (or more) at another woman (3D or 2 dimensional) and find their own body lacking? And honestly, I also have the other distasteful trait: looking at someone and thinking "well, at least I don't look like that." I would like to think myself above all that, but I'm not. I fight it, or accept it as remaining evidence that my self esteem is still lousy. In other words, it's my head that's the problem, not the body. Pretty common disease in our culture, and not confined to women.

My therapists have called it shame. Yuck. What a word. Just writing it makes me shiver.

But like I said, it's complex. I also have pride in my body, and there are bits I am just discovering. Like my toes --- I had my first pedicure ever last week and what a treat it was! All this soaking and massaging and buffing and stuff, wow! Best Friend, an old hand at this spa stuff and big fan of the french manicure --- something I just don't get--- had hers painted a subtle blush taupe, but not me! Like a kid in a cosmetics store, I went straight for the fuschia. It took me almost 45 years to finally get there and needed BF to make the appointment and accompany me to keep my nerves at bay, so I went for the brightest day-glo color there to proclaim to the world, "Hey! I got my toes done! Aren't I a girly girl?"

My question is, what took me so long? Why did I have to lose half my body weight to honor my toes? Maybe it's because I now actually like people looking at me, because I no longer wish to be invisible, I am discovering my body. It's like running, also a new pursuit, discovered just last fall. I like sweating now. Before it just made me angry.