I have written and erased the same 3 or 4 sentences three times. I've got a bee in my bonnet but I'm not sure why. I just feel restless and discontent. I'm not sure what is going on in my fevered noggin, but it seems cyclic. Could be a body cycle, or just a reaction to things going ok, neither great nor awful. And I know tomorrow it will probably seem different. Isn't it amazing that today's emotional tailspin will likely evaporate to such an extent that tomorrow it will be hard to remember just what was so awful?
Last night I mentally went through a checklist of all the good things I had accomplished yesterday. I had to do this because I hadn't helped Fuzz with a home reno project he really wanted to get done. That was his job, but I felt a lot of guilt for not helping him. Instead I cooked meals for us, cleaned out the stinky (whoof, what died in here???) leaves and guck from the pond and got it functioning for the season, tidied my studio some more (no wonder it was hard to move around with 3 bicycles and the back seat from the van in there!), mowed the lawn for the first time this year, whacked the weeds, cleaned the kitchen, bought food, and wrote. All good and worthy things, but because I wasn't helping him, I felt guilt. He never even suggested I aid him. That's just the script in my head. It's so hard for me to stay with my own stuff. As soon as I feel I "should" be doing something for another, it's as if my brain has been snatched from my body.
It's a constant source of amazement for me how someone who used to weigh over 300 pounds and is still about 145 and 5'9" can feel so ephemeral, without substance, when confronted with another's issues or agenda. It is as if the binge eating was an unconscious effort to feel real, as if I existed.
I'm going to the gym later, and I think I might combine some weight training with a run outside since it's such a beautiful day, sunny, with just an edge of crispness as we edge toward summer. I think I'll run along the lake and around the campus. It will likely improve my mood, maybe release some endorphins. Instead of eating to feel as if I exist, I will make myself physically stronger. I still like that odd ouchy ache I sometimes get when I move after exercise. It says, oh yeah, those muscles got used for something. After years of physical inactivity, it's nice to feel my body talking to me on occasion, just a little tweak here and there, not big pain. Speaking of tweaks, I'm not even getting that as my body is into its 3rd month of healing from the hysterectomy today, and I'm feeling about 98% recovered, with about the only symptom being a slight lag in my energy reserves.
One thing I am feeling anxiety around, but also flashes of joy, is being in the studio to give my friend art lessons. She wants to come back for more this week, so I have some prep to do. Another small step taken in my journey doing something meaningful that I love. Now that is making me feel alive! I'm thinking of things to work on while she paints... uh oh, might be time for another self portrait. That's usually what I do when I haven't been painting for a while and need an utterly fascinating subject to get those juices flowing again...
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