Stands for: Believing in God Beats Our Old Knowledge.
I came to Overeaters Anonymous out of sheer desperation. Desperate enough to make a decision, just for that day, to suspend my disbelief, to dare to hope that maybe, just maybe the answer might lie in me trying it in a totally different way than I had previously done. My old knowledge had led me to a slow suicide with food, to a place where I couldn't go for three days without binge eating, "living" in my bathrobe, hiding out from the world with my best friend, food. What I was doing wasn't living.
So I decided, what the hell, could it get any worse than this?
Today, if you ask me do I believe in God, I think I am still somewhat agnostic. It is probably my unconscious default position. Old habits die hard. But I am willing to try believing that I am not God. By giving a twelve step programme the benefit of the doubt, I have received many gifts I didn't think possible, and I'm still surprised when I see the gifts that have been gently revealed to me. Sometimes I do feel that presence of God in my life. I know that when I can imagine the existence of some power that wants me to live and grow, I feel much more content and as if I've been given a small springboard to try jumping towards some goals. Not long ago, I was afraid to have any real goals, afraid to dream. Now I'm more tolerant of other's faith in God, because as long as they aren't hurting someone else, who am I to say what lifts them up doesn't exist, and would it really hurt me to believe?
I think sometime very early on in life, I learned to not believe, that risking hurt too much, until the not risking, always turning away from life toward the comfort of endless food turned me in on myself and the coping technique became downright dangerous to my health. By feeling there is something in the universe that wants me to thrive, I can take the odd risk, try a little more, slowly. I begin to see there are alternatives, that possibilities exist.
Today is day 29 since my last food "incident" aka a binge. When I binge, it's usually a "fuck-it" moment. In that moment, my mood has descended to a point where I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't want to feel hopeless, but I do want to recognize that I'm powerless when it comes to dealing with the food. The distinction is that when I see that the issue isn't "just" food, it's a very powerful, insidious compulsion that has dangerous consequences that I must deal with, not minimize. Food is a substance that if I let it, takes over. And yet, it is merely a substance. It is a symptom of a much larger disease. What I have to do is everything in my power to not get to the point where using the substance seems like the logical alternative. That's what all that "spiritual fitness" stuff is about: dealing with things before I jump off that cliff with the cake in my hand. When I'm low enough to feel that a binge is an answer, I've managed to sink to a pretty low and dangerous point. It's almost too late at that point to change, to turn and stop that train bound for the refrigerator at top speed. I have to do things to catch myself before I've even left the station, switch myself off the track leading to self destruction, and keep going toward self preservation. The new knowledge I develop through working these new habits of living are the best way I know how to do this.
I'm writing all this not to preach (ok maybe a bit, as it is a public blog) but mainly to remind myself that as I get a month between me and the last binge, that I have to keep doing this stuff to keep me out of that dark place. It can always, always, ALWAYS claim me back.
No comments:
Post a Comment