Shame on a Bagel, Anyone?

It's Sunday, must be time to feel like crap. Ooh boy, that is stinky paint that Fuzzboy is using in the spare bedroom. I'm on the other end of the house, and I can smell it. Here comes the headache. This is not the time of year to be painting, but it is the time Fuzzboy wants to paint... he wants to get this house sold and out of town, so... guess I'll just have to open a window and not worry about the heating bills. Guess I can just crank up the woodstove. Funny, that old primer he was using last night wasn't nearly that stinky.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get out of this town too, but I'm too overwhelmed by my perfectionist gremlin that tells me this place has to be perfect before we even let a real estate agent near it. And how will that be possible? And then I think that well, we finally get this place half decent and then we're going to move? I'm screwed no matter what way I look at it... and in this manner I screw myself right into the ground. No wonder I need a couple of therapists. And I've got a group therapy session coming up tomorrow. Ugh. It's snowing again, pretty, but haven't got any Christmas lights up yet. Another thing to do. I just want to go back to bed.

So I'm back in the chair by the stove. I had breakfast and read the paper, sat with the cat, and did some aimless web surfing and finally decided writing about this couldn't hurt. Get some of this mental ---what to call it?--- fog, self loathing, doubt, fear, anger, yup all that painful stuff, out into the ether of the internet. Maybe it's the e-age equivalent of burning letters and releasing the fears into the universe to a higher power, whatever that is. "God" just comes with too much baggage although I have been known to use the term.

At least the food is pretty good. That is amazing, that I can feel this crappy and not eat over it. It's possible that I am feeling this crappy precisely because I am not eating so much to fog my head and spending less time over what I am going to eat at my next meal. The pain feels very present and I can only sleep so much. My weight is stable. And I am exercising, just enough, not too much, not obsessively, but physically I feel strong and capable. The running is going well, although I'm back to intervals, 4 to 8 minutes, it's still progress. That IS progress, dammit, I am NOT a total loser. I still feel like I have no power to control my environment, but I'm taking care of my body, and that's a start. I made a call to one OA friend today, nobody home, left a message. Not feeling strong enough to try another person, but it's a start.

After this I think I can find the strength to put on some old clothes and pick up a paintbrush to help Fuzz. Just the physicality of doing that will probably make me feel better. OUrrrrgghhhh....here I go. I still like that picture I posted yesterday...