Do I Hear Drilling?

Or is it just my teeth grinding?

Seriously, I have that therapy group in about an hour and I am madly scouring my brain to figure out what the Hell I am going to say to them. Much easier to surf the net, play stupid computer games, write out minutes, anything. I think my Shame Reflex is up, I feel like I've not had a deep feeling or thought for the past 2 weeks but that is ridiculous.

I've had plenty of deep stuff... I just have to look at this blog to remember some of that. Maybe I just don't want to feel it. It all feels negative, I think it's that pervading sense of shame and fear.
I had an image this morning of the shame like an evil green slime that oozes over everything I do, colors every experience, it's as if every event is seen through the baleful filter of that ooze.

The pressure I am putting on myself to come up with something insightful in this meeting is incredible! It really is like being back in Grade 7 again just before a test. I seriously don't want to hang out with these people. So, why am I going to this? Because I think it will make me do better in the long run. As my run-in with the candy the other night told me, I have work to do. I just keep shoving feelings down and feel lousier and the food seems like more and more of a good thing. Somebody said that there is something about that first cookie, drink, puff (fill in your crutch of choice) that makes the next one seem like even more of a good idea, and erases from your memory the misery it will eventually cause you. There's where I get stuck.

That's why, for the first time in 3 years of attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings, I now have 2 foods I am staying away from --- for today--- chips and cheap candy. They take my brain and shove it somewhere, I don't know, maybe into my stomach, but I start behaving as if it's shoved up my ass!