Happy Birthday to Me?

I guess. I mean, well, this isn't my real birthday, but it's an anniversary. In 12 step programs some people call it a birthday. Today is my one year anniversary of my self defined food and eating abstinence. In AA they call it your "dry date". Well, one year ago I sure didn't stop eating. A drunk can stop drinking. A year ago I had my last binge.

I had been attending OA meetings just under two years at that point, and my binges had been diminishing in size and frequency. In fact, I had almost lost 150 pounds by this point, and I think that over those 2 years I had 5 or 6 "breaks" in my abstinence. That's 5 or 6 miserable days out of over 700. Heck of a change. Of course, abstinence is a self defined term in OA, like I said, you can't just stop eating, and there is no prescribed food plan or any plan, although many people will adopt the plan of eating and program study their sponsor uses.

So, it's not a year since I started losing weight, it's been a year since I have really felt out of control around food. A different kind of victory, more or less invisible, except for those who have observed my demeanor, not just my size. It's a more important victory, I think. That's where this isn't just another diet. Sanity, not just vanity.

I slept in this morning and missed my usual Monday morning meeting. There's irony for you. But next I had a checkup with my GP. She had a resident sitting in, and after the resident took my blood pressure, my doctor told her with some pride that I was now able to stop taking blood pressure medication and was now symptom free of type 2 diabetes. That's a pretty good anniversary present.

My mood was still so-so on leaving the doctor (I've got a full hysterectomy coming up next month and even the promise of a post-op epidural for the pain isn't really cheering me up much)and I had a meeting of a recovery group later that afternoon that has been helping but sometimes makes me want to shove nails in my eyes, so I went to the gym for a good run. Must be all those endorphins or something, plain old self righteousness isn't enough to explain how much better I felt. Maybe it was the sweat. I used to hate sweating when I was heavier, now it feels like sweat created by fire and passion and actually feels good dripping down my back.

I have to get some sleep, but maybe tomorrow I can examine what this year has meant to me. Funny how strange it feels when something I had been looking forward to for such a long time finally arrives. Always a bit of anticlimax, a feeling of now what? The next question is, how do I celebrate????

I guess cake might not be appropriate! On the other hand, why not, as long as it's in moderation? Its ok in my plan of eating. Just not at an OA meeting!!

Fuzz is sweet. He bought me roses.