Unlike many in OA, I haven't completely sworn off of sweet stuff. I find the "total" abstinence from sweets to be kind of arbitrary, ie don't eat things with sweets in the first 3 or 5 ingredients. Hm. I wonder if a pear came with an ingredient list pasted on it, would natural sugar be in the first 5?
But sometimes, I wonder if there's a point to it. Fuzzboy gave me a few chocolates he found in his sock drawer (Christmas leftover)while we were moving bedrooms to do some painting. They were an intensely sweet crunchy toffee. I wanted more. I was already bothered and anxious about the moving stuff around, so much junk, so little room, and so I had some more. Fuzz offered to put the candy away. I agreed, after a couple more. Then I was feeling still very unsettled so I had some dark chocolate, the only candy I keep around. I still craved more, simultaneously agitated. Fuzz suggested it was dinner time. And it was, past 630. The craving subsided, but I felt sheepish and as if my brain had been hijacked by a few candies.
Stuff like that frightens me. My mood is so changeable. I feel anger, shame and chagrin about being so caught up in food and not taking better care of myself. I spent most of the day on the computer playing a stupid game, avoiding thought, avoiding the discomfort of my feelings.
Hours later and a healthy supper later, I'm ok, but I'm still feeling very unsettled. I think I need to keep my house free of that stuff because I did react very strongly to either the substance itself or the feeling of soothing my anxiety in that intense candy. It's always more appealing when I'm anxious and avoiding it.
I'M FUCKING ANGRY. Angry at Fuzz for giving me that damn candy when I had asked him to keep it out of my sight in the first place. Angrier at me for taking it. It's just some damn candy, why does it make me feel like dirt?
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