Sleepitis

Some days I just don't want to get up. Hm. Maybe I should take the laptop out on the back deck to type this... where's my down jacket? This is the first real sun, and it's by no means cloudless out there, that I have seen in days. If, as my gp and therapist both wonder, I am suffering from SAD (clever acronym, that) I shoud catch some rays. It may be related to the oversleeping.

Ugh, I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. That makes me want to sleep. This being thin stuff is no walk in the park. When I was heavy, I thought being thin would solve all my problems, but some days I still feel weighted down. Yes, I know, I've written before here how the fat is all in my head, but I guess I don't even believe myself some days.

Argh, sun is gone again. But some positive things are happening:

In the past week I've been at 2 dinner parties with other women from Overeaters Anonymous. Sound strange? Well, we have to eat, and just because we are struggling with eating disorders (too much, too little, or both) doesn't mean we can't eat together. Most of the women don't eat desserts or candy any more and while I still do (in moderation, I hope) I don't do hors d'oeuvres or salty crunchy stuff because it does to me what sweets do to them, just sets up a craving for more, and I lose my brain to the buffet table. So these dinners tend to be much safer than the usual holiday parties, just salads and main dishes and fruit and/or cheese for dessert. It's so much simpler. Oh yeah, no alcohol. Some of us do, some don't drink. Everyone has to drive somewhere after. Simple. Easy. Ahhhhhhh....

And I admire these women. Many of them are a few years older than me, and they've been through a lot. We don't talk a lot of OA program stuff at these, we just do social stuff. Talk about our lives, kids, jobs, family, whatever. We pulled out some board games one night. Yesterday we went for a long walk in a local conservation area.

You hear a lot about God/Higher Power in connection with 12 step programmes like OA, AA, all the A's. It was the thought of that which kept me away from OA for so long. Now I've been around "the rooms" a few years, I really revel in the openness of that concept: A higher power can be whatever force which opens me up to doing my life differently, changing those fucked up patterns that got me into such a hole in the first place. It can be as simple as saying, ok, I'm not doing so hot here, so I'm going to have to look outside this comfort zone to see if I can change something.

Rats. Gotta see the shrink. Living outside the comfort zone ain't all size 7 jeans and Old Navy commercials...