My New Pet

I made this up for a scrapbook they're putting together for my doctor, Raju Hajela, who's leaving town in April. He specializes in addiction medicine, mostly therapy for people who are dealing with addictions, and that's how he views my eating disorder --- as an addiction. In his view, when people are using substances ---the usual suspects, drugs, alcohol, but also food--- or behaviours, like excessive gambling, sex, or shopping oneself into big debt, they are in the grips of a disease. He sees the roots of the disease as a pervasive sense of shame and the sufferers attempt to supress the pain by controlling their environment --- externally as well as internally.

He repeats this so often in private sessions and group therapy sessions that one day I said to him, "I swear Raju, when you leave, I'm going to get a parrot and teach him how to say it to me!" He laughed, having a healthy ego and a good sense of humour.

Before I ever met this man or considered joining Overeaters Anonymous I had the realization that I was using food just like my father had used alcohol: as a "secret" coping technique. He was a closet drunk, I was a closet eater. Or, I would strictly control my food in serial diets. Now I see how I often use isolation to keep me in a 'safe' place.

Turns out I don't have to buy that parrot, I've got it in my head, and it's amazing how often the pesky critter squawks in my brain. I am starting to recognize just how pervasive the shame is from the moment I wake. I hear my shame echoed in the voices of the people I meet in my 12 step groups. So many of them are smart and funny and talented, but you can hear the sadness and how hobbled they have been by their diseases. It's both daunting and inspiring: the seriousness and depth of the affliction (who needs locusts?) and the incredible strength I get from sharing my struggles with such an inspiring group of fellow fighters.