As I've gone through this firestorm in my head the last couple of weeks, and my recuperation from my surgery, I've been amazed that my food has been ok. As non functional as I have felt, I have to be grateful that a lot has changed in my life over the last 3 years I've been in recovery from my disease.
Yes, it's a disease. My sick relationship with food is a disease, not a character defect. Not even I believe this all the time, but I've noticed that when I do treat myself as someone who is recovering from a life threatening disease, my overall physical and mental well-being improve.
I've got a lot of stuff going for me now that wasn't in place before: people I can talk to about the embarassing aspects of my crazy behaviour with food, who can laugh with me, not mock me, and I can also talk with these people about the darkest moments in my life that have lead me to this point, in an atmosphere that is remarkably free of judgement. It's not perfect, we're all human, but it is amazingly good.
But continually, I have been able to fall back on my daily plan of eating. OA doesn't give you a plan of eating, you have the right to eat what you think is right for you, but the literature encourages members to get advice from health professionals. I have managed to craft with the help of the Canada Food Guide (our version of the USDA food pyramid) others, reading from reputable sources, and even nutrition ideas I brought with me from my previous membership in an international weight loss club (Club is a misnomer. It's a business, "a leading global branded consumer company" ---that's lifted verbatim from their corporate website, separate from the members website, by the way --- that trades on the New York Stock Exchange). I also ran my plan by my family doctor, and got her to refer me to a registered dietician over a year ago, and she tweaked it a bit.
How did I know I wasn't eating enough? One day I realized that the thought of being this hungry for the rest of my life was a daunting possibility. It had been enough when I started on this journey but I hadn't counted on one significant change in my lifestyle: I was going from someone who got winded when walking a few blocks, to one who slowly started to discover, and actually enjoy physical activity. No wonder I got extreme cravings in the late afternoon, I needed more protein early in the day!
Now, I still get cravings, usually when I'm under stress (Hello winter, surgery, moving!), but they are so much more manageable and quickly subside.
I was grocery shopping after a particularly stressful day last week. Yes, that was a mistake! I was in, sigh, Costco, and briefly my childhood fantasy of buying a whole box of chocolate bars popped into my head. It was perfect, I was alone, and had a half hour drive ahead of me to get home. Who would know? Of course everyone would soon know, because I soon would be back into reclusive food addict behaviour. In the nightgown, on the couch, covered in crumbs with wrappers hidden under the cushions or in a drawer... It's good that the fantasy now works both ways. I visualize how very bad it could get and how very quickly.
Then I reminded myself that I had a planned balanced meal waiting at home for me that I had told Fuzz we were having. The fantasy came back once more before I got home, but I just kept driving. For that, I'm grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment