Thanks - Wow, There's a Lot!

Usually on Monday morning it's hard for me to remember exactly why I wanted to be up this early, there is some amount of dread I have for the beginning of the week, and I think it also colors my enjoyment, or lack thereof, of Sunday. Today we have a business meeting after my OA meeting, and as secretary of that group, I'm not looking forward to it. There's a contentious issue on the table, and honestly, having grown up as the peacemaker in a family of drunks, I'm really dreading it. I just wish that all those bothersome people would go away and stop rocking my boat!

So, maybe it would be helpful for me to make a gratitude list, a common enough assignment people tend to get from their sponsors in 12 step programs when the world feels like a rotten place. I'm just going to spiel off whatever floats into my sleepy brain.

So what am I grateful for? I won't be insulted if you barely skim this...

1. That incredible orchid a friend gave me when I got out of hospital about 6 weeks ago. As you can see by the picture I took on Saturday, it's still going strong! It's amazing, I've never had one before. Hey, in the background you can see the Hula Girl Cameron (he's from Hawaii) gave me 4 years ago!

2. The sun and relative warmth of the last couple of days.

3. How happy Fuzz seems to be in his new teaching position at a different school and how renewed he's been since he finished his master's and started doing the extra work for the university and the provincial government. For a long time I've felt guilty because I haven't been contributing much financially, but I think I've been a good support to him in other ways.

4. The warmth of friends, and OA friends. My sponsor who I call once in a blue moon but she hasn't given up on me and just last night told me how far I have come. Laughter with them.

5. No hot flashes for the last 5 days! And my abdomen is hardly bloated or sore even though I went for a 20 minute walk yesterday --- the longest one since my operation! I am feeling less like a recuperating patient and more and more like a well person.

6. As ever, my kitty Ms Boo Boo Deluxe. She shreds my furniture, sheds on my clothes and hides whenever people visit, but I still love the wee wild beastie.

7. My country. Relative freedom, peace, abundance, and space. I don't have some man threatening me if I don't cover my head.

8. Starbucks decaf Sumatra, a comfy chair and wi-fi.

9. Mark's Work Warehouse spandex jeans with tummy control panel to help with the post op swelling.

10. My creativity is started to re-emerge because I'm not pushing it and feeling less self imposed pressure. The studio is looking less and less intimidating.

11. This blog --- my writing is so much more regular now.

12. My job and good friends waiting for my return in a couple of weeks. (If it weren't for the latter there I might ditch the job - they make it worthwhile).

13. Feeling less scared just enough to consider soon selling our house and moving closer to where we want to be --- closer to friends, family, and things that interest us.

14. Being able to voice uncomfortable feelings more than before.

15. Imperfectly allowing myself imperfections.

16. My pen tablet.

17. Not having a binge since January 16, 2005.

18. My diabetes and hypertension are gone, gone, gone.

19. People are willing to say nice things about me at my one year celebration of gratitude #17 on Saturday.

20. A good family doctor and ob-gyn.

21. 2 excellent therapists

22. The tenacity to keep working with one of #21 even though it's over the phone to NYC, and the faith that I will survive the other one leaving his practice here to work in Calgary.

23. Flexibility and faith that I can survive changing my eating habits: learning to enjoy vegetables and smaller portions, rich foods as a treat not a daily entitlement, I can survive eating a little less while laid up post-operation, and surprise surprise, I have thrived for 4 months without eating a single potato chip. I feel free of the craziness that I get after having a few chips (because I want to eat so many, many more), not deprived.

24. I have a good brain that I'm starting to allow myself to put to good use.

25. If this is being middle aged, it's pretty damn kewl!

26. Learning that if I can open up a little bit about my struggle with my food and depression with Fuzz's parents, they can be quite understanding.

27. My jogging buds who are waiting for my return.

28. Fuzz cleaned up the junk around the woodpile and shed yesterday. It looks great!

29. Lindt 70% chocolate bars in 35 g sizes -- just enough.

30. OA has no prescribed plan of eating - it's up to me.

31. Finding a good registered dietician to help me tweak how I work the Canada Food Guide so I'm not ravenous by evening.

32. Discovering that I can still be Catholic even if we've left "The" church.

33. 6 weeks of recuperation to make me appreciate health, consider whether I am exercising too much, and being able to poop without pain!

34. I have enough money. Not a lot, but Enough. What a concept.

35. I can choose to work part time.

36. I am discovering how much choice I have.

A post script: The meeting was fine. In fact, although strong emotions did come out (a number of people were in tears), it was one of the most honest and heartfelt meetings I've been at in a long time. I'm actually now grateful I went through that. Incredible. Guess that makes this number 37.