Step Work Works. Dammit.

I'm not sure what happened, but yesterday went from blecch to pretty good. I did some of that step work, and not a lot, just a page or two of writing listing all the people I had resentments against. Interestingly, what came up a couple of times was I was angry with myself for letting myself down. Then I had a chat with my therapist to talk about it, those high (impossibly so) expectations I had for myself, and dealing with negative feelings. Then I had a great day: spent a couple of productive hours in the studio, went to a lecture on Rembrandt at the local university, went on a tough run, and then after dinner, gently dragged the now-on-March-Break Fuzz to see Persepolis, the movie, because I really like the graphic novels.

Dealing with the feelings is more than just finding a new coping mechanism. Coping mechanisms are like fixing a leak with a bucket. It's not a real solution, just a quick fix. Eventually the bucket overflows or drives you crazy with the dripping noise, and meanwhile, the water is rotting the ceiling and eventually you have a huge problem on your hands. I ate, still eat, to smother uncomfortable emotions, anger, fear, and even joy sometimes. But it backfires, and it inevitably gets worse.

When I first came to OA, and even for the majority of the last five years, I've thought, well, I have to deal with my feelings in order to not binge. Well, that is true, but that is not the bigger goal. My therapist suggests that The Big Magilla (I'm guessing as in the cartoon ape), is to deal with the feelings so I can be happier. Oh. Nothing to do with food. Nada. Zip. The food is just a side effect. That's a bit of a surprise, isn't it? Well, it is to a compulsive overeater.

I don't like doing step work. It wouldn't be far off to say I detest it. It's very uncomfortable, and it's hard to change the lifelong habit of seeking to blot out rather than deal with pain. But when I am finally ready to do it, it usually helps, and my mood rapidly benefits from it.