That's the big question for me today. But you know, it's not really important. Adding up the days of abstinence are nice, but they don't matter as much as me figuring out what happened and what I need to do avoid unhealthy actions. Two nights ago I started to eat after my husband went to bed. I justified it as a snack. But the snack did not end. I had a few almonds, and then some leftover turkey and stuffing, and then some more almonds, and some frozen chocolate, and then a slice of bread and butter. I didn't think I was bingeing but I might have been deceiving myself, because when I finally went to bed, my stomach was a little sore. The next morning, I got my usual oatmeal and looked at it and went, "ugh". I was not hungry, in fact I felt physically ill, just this side of barfy. Not a sign of culinary health.
Finally, I decided that I had broken my abstinence. My definition of abstinence is no bingeing and lately, I had narrowed it to no eating after dinner and my one or two planned snacks in the evening. So, technically, I would have broken it the moment I ate those first almonds. If I had stopped after the first handfull, I might have just given myself a pass and said, ok, that was just a slip, and not declared a break in abstinence. But the problem is, and the reason I have recently defined it so narrowly, is I have a difficult time stopping after just one bite. In fact, it feels nigh on impossible. Am I setting myself up to fail here? Am I being too black and white about it? That's a good question. I don't have a good answer. Except I do know that I did spend a lot of time "cutting myself a break" over the last couple of years, and I was gaining weight. When became more hardline on my definition of abstinence, about 5 months ago, I stopped gaining and even lost a little. And then I talked to some OA friends about it, and I went to a meeting last night. That was great. I was honest, and I heard the hope in my voice. I don't care how many days or minutes of abstinence I have, I still am WAAAAAY ahead of where I was five years ago.
There were a couple of interesting things about this break in abstinence: One, it wasn't one of my "classic" binges. The food consumed was less, and my stomach wasn't nearly as full (when I binge it usually is until I am so full I am in pain) Two, I wasn't hungry the next morning. I was really off my food. But by lunch time I was overhungry, and maybe a little hypoglycemic; I was feeling a little spacey and dizzy by the time I ate lunch. I think I was actually feeling physical effects from what I had eaten. Historically, I was so distanced from stomach & hunger cues that I can't seem to feel "true" hunger (rather than constant hunger) or anything less than greatly overfull. So, that was interesting, and maybe some progress.
But if I'm making this progress, why the binge? What happened? Well, it feels as if I was running from my feelings. I can tell right now that I'm waking up anxious. It seems I haven't been writing enough, I hadn't posted anything here for three days. I'm still feeling like a loose cannon after being sick and March break, I haven't been in the studio much at all. It all feels like my head and body aren't connected. I'm not getting the emotional/spiritual nourishment that I need. My sponsor is hard to reach, and I still have a hard time reaching out to others in the programme when I'm feeling glum, angry, whatever. Never enters my mind to call someone rather than have "just a little" nibble.
That's how it starts, with Just a little. And just a little would be fine, and I think that's where normal, non-compulsive eaters don't get those of us who can't seem to stop after just a little. They say, ok, well, have just a little, then you'll be sated, and stop. But it doesn't seem to work that way. There is a gnawing inside that instead of being calmed by a little bite, seems to wake up from a dormant state and roar for more. Either that, or it's been roaring for some time, I just don't become aware of it until I've fed it.
Anyway, I'm back on the horse, and I know I am on the right track. I'm not perfect, but I've had the true experience of another freakin' growth opportunity, and for that, I'm grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment