"Stepwork". That's the process of using the 12 steps of OA, AA, NA, whatever 12 step program you like, to help me work out issues in my life. Sound like fun? You're right, it's not. It's tough slog, but I work the steps because I haven't otherwise learned a good way to deal with life's issues without regularly stuffing myself with food.
Lately, I've been trying to work on an issue in a relationship with a friend, and it's been interesting. I've written on it a couple of times (not here, it's too private and my emotions too strong to really be honest about them here--- yes, believe it or not, I don't post everything I think), and some revelations have come to me, particularly as I mused on step 4, the "fearless and searching moral inventory". It took a few weeks and a big food slip for me to get to this place, so it's not a quick fix. Step 4 is where I looked at the issue, who was involved, and what emotions this issue was raising . What I found was fear, and the origins of that fear, namely, how this issue sends me back to early life as an only child with an emotionally absent mother and physically absent father --- he travelled for work a lot when I was young. I also had very few friends. I was a very lonely, sad and frustrated kid.
I began to see that it wasn't so much that I was responding to a friend who I saw as abandoning me (I knew she would be away a lot when we got to know each other) as I was responding to my parents who weren't there when I needed them. Old fears were being triggered, and I was responding to those as much, if not more, than my present issue.
The other thing that came to me in the last couple of days was my part in the matter: I didn't think I had any control over how much I saw my friend, but I did. I have had opportunities to spend more time with my friend but have chosen not to for various reasons. And I didn't exactly burn up the phone lines trying to reach her. I made a few late attempts, just enough to make me feel good and smug in my victimhood. Oh dear, it's not pleasant to discover how much more comfortable it is to feel cheesed off in my default position as lonely, abandoned child victim.
I also forgot that in my life now, I have lots of friends. I am no longer that lonely child. I have many healthy relationships in the Overeaters Anonymous program, and friendships outside of the program that have been strengthened because I can work the steps rather than be a loose cannon fuelled on excess food. Then, I start feeling grateful, and a modicum of peace dawns on the horizon. Amazingly, that seems to have a fairly direct impact on my eating: I feel like I have more options, and the gnawing hunger diminishes. When I am stuck in the dead end alley of feeling used, victimized, eating seems like the only thing I can do to make myself feel better. This is a new thing, seeing how I let myself slip into that victim mode, and I'm sure it's not going to be the last time, but it's a really hopeful start. Not only can I see the importance of being more in touch with my needs and expressing them, but now I see how valuable it is to question my self image, particularly the one where I see myself as the constant victim.
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