My sponsor just returned from a trip to Mexico, and I'm so happy! She's a good friend too, and we've had many fun times together, but I have to be honest, I'm relieved my sponsor is back. Why? It feels as if she's become a touchstone for me. She's been in Overeaters Anonymous about twice as long as I (I've been going now, wow, it'll be five years the end of the month!), and she's in a place with her recovery that I want to be in. Counting days of abstinence (I'm currently somewhere over 90 days at this point, wait, I'll check myself on the AA Sobriety Counter...I'm at 97!), I'm not sure who is ahead, she's had some slips, but I really admire her spiritual fitness. And her physical fitness is pretty good too. She's in her sixties, but she's very active, interested in healthy aging, and wants to be skiing for another twenty years. She invited me to join her running group three years ago, and I'm still doing it, after two operations and my now-you-see-it, now-you-don't hernia.
I just knew that I needed to talk to her, particularly about the issues I've been having with the nighttime nibbles. And I think that the issues of the nibbles are much more than the food. Evening I look on as relaxing time, but when I relax with nothing particularly pressing to do, that is when the cravings come out to play. Last night went well. I had a skinny latte at Starbucks after doing some shopping, then my regular snack around 9, and a cup of chai before bed. I did feel some cravings, but I found that if I kept myself out of the kitchen for the most part after dinner (Fuzz prepared the snack and the chai, while I played around in the living room with a graphics program on my laptop, bless his furry little heart), I could close the door on more food for the night. Now that it's part of my abstinence, it does feel as solid as a closed door between me and it. Or at least it did last night. Today is a new day, and since this is a new habit, I have to be prepared to be firm about it until it feels as natural as the other changes I have made over the last few years.
I think I have some fears to address. Career and money seems to be what leaps to mind. That means doing some step-writing about it. My sponsor is very methodical, dare I say in my more cynical moments, dogmatic, about step writing. Admit I are powerless around the issue, give it over to your higher power, and do an inventory around the issue. What emotions are being dredged up (fear, definitely)? What scenarios are there lurking in my brain? Past events coloring how I deal with it in the present? Ugh. This stuff is hard. And despite my desire to splash my life over the blogosphere, I think I need to keep this stuff private. I'll give you the summary eventually.
On a related topic, while prepping for those art classes I taught, I found an old sketchbook that I had actually cartooned out a bit of my story in, just before I started this blog. I've been looking for that since I moved a year and a half ago, because I want to scan some bits of it to post here. Sounds like fun... None of this is making me any money, but I think it's part of a process that just might end up being profitable, but obviously in a way I can't predict. I guess it's not my job to predict where this path might lead, just walk it, and let it reveal itself to me. Trust in a higher power.
Oh, that again.... puke!
No comments:
Post a Comment