Surviving the Evening

Interesting that my prompter shows me that I have started three other posts with variations on the word "Survive". Sometimes that's how it feels with the food. Like I'm in a life and death struggle with it. I guess I am. I know there are lots of people whose health suffers because of compulsive eating, and I have been one of them. Luckily, I found a way to stop the march of my hypertension and diabetes, and eventually even roll back their progress to where, at present, they aren't there any more.

But I need to keep in the front of my consciousness that these things could come back if I start to slip into those old, very seductive habits. Make no mistake, my disease of compulsive eating has the ability to, apologies to Hobbes (the philosopher, not the cartoon tiger) make my life "nasty, brutish, and short". I'm only a few bites away from tumbling down that slope of despair. Sure, it would take a number of bites to get me back over 300, but the trend can start much earlier, and once it reaches a certain momentum, there is no telling how possible it is to turn it back. So I really want to keep myself from getting there. I think of BF's father who has struggled with alcohol for over fifty years and is about ten years sober. He says, "the easiest drink to turn down is ALWAYS the first one".

I've only got about 15 minutes to type before I head off for a group therapy session, an unmoderated group started by the addictions specialist that used to practice in our town. It's an interesting group, people have many different or multiple issues, some suffer from, like me, those pesky DSM not otherwise specified eating disorders. It's another thing that ticks me off about how compulsive eating behaviours are treated by the medical establishment and most of society as a moral failing unless we're too skinny then it's a specified disorder. And yet binge eaters (still lumped under the non-specified disorder catch-all) and others who have unhealthy behaviours around food have been found to have a much, much, higher concurrent incidence compared to anorexia and bulimia among people who are being treated for other psychological issues.

And there are bulimics there too and for a while we had someone who was exhibiting all the signs of anorexia. Plus people who have problems with alcohol, drugs, relationships, and money. It's interesting having a multi-faceted group, but sometimes I find it hard to share about my drawing lines around my food when there are bulimics and anorexics in the room, where doing that very thing may be something they have to avoid.

Akkk, gotta go!

Anyway, where I was going when I started this post was: Since I drew the firm line in the sand at eating after my evening snack on Sunday, announced to myself and my sponsor that I was doing this, the food in the evening has been fine. The obsession seems to largely have been lifted. To be safe, I'm even limiting going into the kitchen after supper. Fuzz brings me my snack, makes tea, and feeds the cats. I stay anchored to the couch and watch tv or play on the computer. Often a cat helps me out by deciding that the best place to warm up is by sitting on my --oof-- chest. My food buddy said it seemed like a situation of asking for willingness and the willingness came. Go figure.

Woohoo! 100 days since a binge!