Managing my Day

Ok, here I am trying to plan out my day, and food is not the huge part of it it once was, so I have to figure out what else I am going to do rather than obsess about food. Welcome to life post-food. Warning: What follows is rather stream of consciousness... expect repetitiveness and circular thoughts...

I'm not sure how to do it. I've got a studio project on hold because a piece of equipment I'm going to use isn't available until the weekend. That leaves time to work on other art projects. What to do, what to do? I could scan some sketches into the computer, the old cartoons I found, and prep them to post here. I have a very long choir session tonight, but I might not stay for the whole thing. On the other hand, what else do I really have to run home to do, watch TV? Face it. Good point. I want to get some exercise today, I guess at the gym. Ok, that'll take a couple of hours. That leaves me a couple to do something artistic. I suppose I could go to the studio and lay out some paints and work on that old painting copy that I thought I was finished with. But honestly, I'm not sure I am. On the other hand, I could do another hour or so of composition on the new project.

Ok, what I'm seeing here are I could do an hour or so on a number of small projects. That seems pretty good. I wonder if I could spend an hour on some housework too? Maybe less, like sweeping the kitchen floor or putting away some things. I am trying to break life down into smaller, more mentally manageable chunks, because if I don't it just seems too much. And I want to eat. The food has been good since Sunday night. I think I just had to scare myself and reconnect with my committment to changing my eating. Since I've been practicing the Overeaters Anonymous life for the last almost five years, I have slowly been gaining an awareness of my default assumptions and habitual behaviours around food.

Recently, I've been looking at my fear of NOT eating at night. It's been a real security blanket for me. I have supper often late and then a snack, and until recently it was always a little nibble of something, or another snack... I think I was afraid of not having something to eat after dinner. I think unconsciously I thought I would die if I didn't have something to eat after dinner. Well, the first thing to go was the extra nibbles. And now, in order to lose that five or so pounds I've been whining about for the last few months, I'm considering whether my evening snack --- a small bar of very dark chocolate, has to go too. I think my meals are good, healthy and balanced. So, the snack is a perk, a treat, an extra. I don't think I even have to eliminate it entirely. I could choose to reduce the frequency of it, have it every second day. Or, I could have a half bar daily. There is also a mid afternoon snack of a small bag of almonds that I have most days when I've been exercising. But to be honest here, I'm not sure I need it either.

Like most compulsive eaters (over or under-eaters), I am not sure when I am hungry. My default switch was always stuck at hungry, no matter how much food I had eaten, or how long ago I had eaten it. Last night, for example, like most of my Tuesdays lately, I don't have supper until after my running group and an OA meeting, so it's often 830 or later. But I realized during the meeting that I wasn't sure if I was hungry. I heard the odd growl from my abdomen, but honestly, I couldn't actually feel any hunger. There seems to be a total disconnect.

At the same time, I am one of those eaters who compulsively must be doing something else while I have my meal. Not doing other tasks as such, but most often it's watching tv with dinner or reading the paper while I eat breakfast or lunch. Fuzz does that with me too. And I need to ask him again about how he feels about doing that. I think for me, it is some sort of comforting mechanism, an attempt to blot out the world with food and something visual that takes my mind away from my worries. Am I actually tasting the food? I think I am, I seem to take a lot of pleasure out of it, but I seem to have the fear that the food alone won't be enough. I need extra distraction. As I said at the meeting last night, I'm not sure I want to do anything about this right now, that I have the willingness. Or is it even broke? Does it need fixing? Am I being perfectionistic about my eating. I don't know, I just have the sneaking suspicion that confronting this kind of automatic eating/comforting behaviour may help me with compulsively eating, helping me be more in touch about my eating. It's something to examine, not necessarily change yet, or ever.

Day 112.